I haven’t written to this blog since January 2012, following the events of 2010, I dubbed it “The year to be forgotten, that never will be” or words to that effect. Anyway, a whole lot has happened in the time since.

I don’t claim to be unique for anything that has happened, far from it. Rather, just another drop in the ocean but, thanks to various people, I have a deeper understanding of what it means to “find yourself” – some call it Spirituality, some say “Bloody hippy nonsense” – the trick is to separate spirituality from religion and you can begin to get the gist.

Whether you’re an atheist or a person of faith the fact is that our bodies run on energy, electrical impulses controlled by the kind of computing power Intel can only dream about – The Brain! Sometimes it goes wrong………

Ok, so people die, it comes to us all, our nearest and dearest pass away, tragedies happen, usually it seems to the least deserving of people, “God only takes the best” was stated to me several times – my answer being “well that makes him selfish and cruel – surely??” – but this isn’t an argument about religion. Losing someone isn’t restricted to death either, seemingly well balanced folk can all of a sudden display totally warped values, a lack of morals maybe or even just total indifference to the feelings to someone who they have claimed to love for a long time! It all takes its toll.

The trauma of losing someone very close is incredibly difficult to take and deal with and depending on circumstances can be nigh on impossible – the feeling of holding the most important person you’ve ever had in your life as they take their final breath is as close, I imagine from experience, to having your heart physically torn from your chest! Being betrayed by the one special person who swore they’d never hurt you, although a different circumstance can’t be easier to deal with – that person is still alive and can still affect your life, with a bereavement there is just loss. So never put levels of difficulty on it, it doesn’t work that way, we are all different, we are all human (even if some of them don’t exactly behave that way)!

From a personal point of view, and after the last few years of having more dropped on me than my brain could handle I find myself learning about mental health issues. After breaking down in 2011 and being diagnosed with depression I began medication and counselling – old news! What the professionals think now is that the medication triggered a massive Manic episode – rather than just leveling out the depression it sent me on a mental rampage for a while which turned out to be very destructive – more old news! The manic phase is what distinguishes Bipolar Disorder from Depression – nobody goes to the doctor when they feel great and want to take on the world, so it gets diagnosed late in a lot of cases!

The word Bipolar popped into my head one night whilst I was sat on the sofa, at my wits end, no interest in carrying on, looking at suicide web sites looking for the cleanest and easiest way to go out. That might sound very matter of fact, but I look back and, well, that’s how it was – perfectly rational in my head, obviously there’s nothing rational about suicide, or indeed depression. A friend of mine committed suicide ten years ago and I’ve been angry at him ever since for taking the so-called “cowards way out” – now…I understand perfectly how he got to the point of no return, and it scares me witless!

I started to research Bipolar and it made so much sense, not just to recent events, but I could apply it to many areas of my life so far. I spoke to my GP and explained what had been going on, explained that I had found that my Dad suffered and his sister suffers manic depression (now known as bipolar disorder) and she said that it does run in families and can lay dormant until some trauma or other triggers it – Bingo!

A year of counselling made me more philosophical, I guess, and more pragmatic. It taught me that sometimes there is no answer and to accept that fact! The exercise of looking at yourself in the eye in the mirror and saying “I love you”, without falling to bits in embarrassment, but actually meaning it is incredibly powerful – as daft as it sounds – And that brings me back to spirituality, the moment you can face yourself and tell yourself that you love YOURSELF – well, that’s when you’ve found yourself – all the doubts go, all the what if I’d done xyz’s disappear, it’s incredibly empowering! The other thing was learning to let go of things that make you angry, that you can’t change – while you’re angry about them, they have a power over you, let go of that anger and that power disappears – that doesn’t mean the same as forgiveness – no, no, no – you can stop being angry about things but you don’t have to forgive – just don’t let it become a grudge, but if you’ve let go of the anger then there’s no reason why it should!

Thus endeth today’s lesson…No, hahaha, I’m no expert, I’m learning daily and coming to terms with what my brain is playing at. I constantly have to make little lifestyle changes and recognise when the mood swings are coming because they will always be with me. The obvious thing to my mind is to relate my experiences and hope that in some small way I can help anyone who might recognise some traits in themselves and hopefully inspire them to either get help or maybe do the same as me try to raise awareness and get rid of the stigma of mental illness.

So here we are, Christmas again, a terribly stressful time of the year – please remember that it’s supposed to be a time of good will to ALL; so spare a thought for anyone who may be suffering – the words “I’m fine” rarely mean exactly that and you really could save someone’s life with a kind word, an ear to bend or a shoulder to cry on – take it from me!

I don’t feel sorry for myself or want sympathy – been there and done that, it turns you into a sniveling little worm. I’ve accepted my lot and just intend to get on with it, learning as I go (apologising when necessary hahaha) but most importantly, just being me because that’s all I can be!!

Cheers!!!

I’ll leave you with a true story;

One day, up in the frozen north a polar bear and his son were out for a stroll. Daddy bear sat on a lump of ice to admire the view and sent his son off to play. Two minutes later Junior came back to dad and says, “Can I ask you a question dad?”

“Sure, son what is it?”

“Am I a real polar bear, Dad?” asks Junior.

Dad smiles and says, “Of course you are, son. Now go and play.”

So off Junior goes again throws some snowballs at the seals but soon he’s back.

“Hey Dad, are you sure I am a real polar bear? Is there not a wee bit of brown bear or black bear in me?”

Dad smiles again and says, “Look son you’ve got big hairy black feet, a white coat, and a black shiny nose…of course you’re a polar bear….now go back and play.”

Once again Junior runs off…slides down the ice….chases a couple of seagulls…after ten minutes of fun he returns with a puzzled look on his face…..

“Daaaad….are you absolutely sure I’m a polar bear?”

“Look son…I’m a polar bear, your mums a polar bear, your granny and grandpa were polar bears…why are you asking all these questions?”

Junior looks up and says….”Cause I’m f**kin’ freezing! “