So, what’s next?
I’ve lost a lot this year, my [insert any or all: partner, missus, best friend, lover, soul mate, other half, confidante] of 20 years to secondary breast cancer, aged 40. She coped with incredible pain and indifferent consultants and faced it all head on with the attitude “Bring it on, I’ll kick your arse!!” She had an iron will but, unfortunately, cancer got the better of her – it was the only thing that ever did! Only once did she break down and cry and ask “What have I done to deserve this?” No one was less deserving, but cancer doesn’t care about that! Nina was a truly wonderful soul; beautiful, intelligent, honest (brutally!), down to earth, industrious, perceptive (so many other superlatives apply!) and she forgave my stupidities. She made me a far better person than I ever could or would have been without her; I miss her every second. Rest in peace honey, I love you! x
Then I lost one of my oldest friends to a heart attack, aged 42 (I should say we because he was a good friend to so many people). Tony collapsed whilst playing his beloved cricket and died at the scene. On the face of it fit and healthy but how can any of us be sure of our health when these things happen seemingly “out of the blue”? Tony was a good man. A genuinely funny, straightforward guy with who you always knew where you stood. He had an intriguing mistrust of egg related products, particularly quiche; “What’s all that about?” he’d say, a question that would apply to many and varied topics! But he was a good guy; from crashing out on a grass verge in town after an Inspiral Carpets gig, to singing footy songs in a Den Haag bar in his best Dutch accent – “Root Toot de groot…….” eh?? – to him being the first person to make me laugh after my loss – personal tragedy wasn’t going to stop him telling me what he thought of my liking for a bit of prog rock and after a hug and kind words he followed up with “Marillion are still shit though…”, I spat lager everywhere, only Tony!! Too many good times to mention, love you mate, rest in peace!
People like these are few and far between and the gulf they leave in your life is enormous. You’ve had a bad day at work, and you can’t wait to get home and offload, then you remember, and think to yourself “but she isn’t there?” – it cuts to the bone!
So how do you carry on? People say “Time’s a healer” and “one day at a time” and they’re right I’m sure – but when you really can’t be bothered with the day to day drudgery on your own, because it hurts too much, how do you stop that feeling from overwhelming you and taking you to the dark places, because if you let it, it will! I know I’m not the only person that this has happened to, and I won’t be the last, but that is exactly how it feels – you think no one could possibly understand your pain! But many people do, in one way or another, and there’s a horrible comfort in that and once you accept that, you start to realise you’re not alone! Every now and then something makes me smile or laugh (progress because smiling or laughing made me feel very guilty a few months ago!) and my heart lifts a little and the subconscious says “Come on then, one more step…..” and there’s the answer – small steps!
I’m lucky! I have been looked after by many wonderful people this year, friends and family, and although it can’t replace the feeling of being in the arms of that one special person, it’s great to know they have your back! I’m more than lucky! I work with good people, a good team made up of very different characters, but all good, stand up folk – they’ve been a great help to my recovery without, I’m sure, even knowing it! As the fog lifts I feel more a part of it rather than the feeling of looking in from the outside (just my perception, a symptom of being too far inside my own head!).
My friends, again very different, but with one very important thing in common – huge hearts! I dread to think where I’d be without them! I feel very humble, and will repay their kindness and generosity any way I can!
My family have been what you’d expect any good family to be, say no more! My Mum has an accurate insight into my pain, she lost my Dad after 39 years of marriage – she knows – she’s kept me sane and kept me going – love you Mum!
St Johns Hospice. I can’t describe how much admiration I have for those people. They looked after Nina in her final days and hours and gave her back the dignity that cancer takes away and treated her like a person rather than a patient number which unfortunately seems to happen too much in hospitals! To deal with death and grief on a daily basis with such sympathy, empathy and professionalism whilst retaining the human element is truly remarkable! Along with all the support staff and volunteers, you all deserve enormous credit!
So, what’s next? Well, a little positivity is returning, a couple of Open University courses starting in October, my old hobby, photography, rekindled (I’m useless at it, but I can only get better – right?) and a new Premier League season round the corner – screaming like a loon down Ewood Park of a Saturday afternoon, stress relief – marvellous!
Kev's mutterings... 