So, it’s been a good week, I’ve been feeling generally positive and looking ahead!

I resolved to do the Wainright Coast to Coast walk in September next year – 192 miles from St Bees in Cumbria to Robin Hoods Bay near Whitby.  I’ll be doing it for charity again, may as well do some good for someone too!  Plus it’s something I can look forward to, plan for, get fit for and it’ll generally occupy my time and finally get me active again!  I’ve had two good lads say they’ll join me so far which is fantastic, and I can’t wait!

So, yes, I’ve been chuffed with myself for starting to look forward and generally get interested in things again.  Only small plans maybe (Coast to Coast excepted) but important for occupying the mind!

Then Wednesday evening I hear the news that a good friends Mother has passed away.  I know how it feels to lose a parent, and it was all the more poignant for me because the day after, the 12th August, is the anniversary of my Dads passing in 1989.  But what do you say to comfort someone in that situation?  Even experience doesn’t help, but, in my own experience, even just saying “I don’t know what to say, I’m so sorry………….” says it all really, it did for me anyway – but everyone’s different.

Then on Saturday morning I awoke to the news that my brother, Alan, has had a massive heart attack and is in hospital in a bad way.  He’s 57 years old, fit and well, and is a laid back guy who generally doesn’t do illness or stress.  Doesn’t bother with doctors and actually said today that the last time he time he stayed in hospital he was 3! My Dad died of a heart attack aged 59 and this has scared the bejesus out of me!  Seeing him wired up to an external pacemaker, sedated, on a ventilator, arms flailing and incoherent took me right back to the worst few hours of my life back in January and really cut me up!  So, not good! He was taken to Blackpool Victoria for various procedures and it has been made apparent that in the Blackburn hospital “someone” (strangely they don’t appear to have names – go figure?) doesn’t know the difference between a vein and an artery and had put something in the wrong one and, for good measure, in the wrong part of his body – slightly worrying I would suggest.  But, I’ve seen him today and his spirits are quite good, he’s just complaining about being bored because he really doesn’t do lying around doing nothing, but the signs seem encouraging!  It could have been much worse, his wife Anns’ actions saved his life!

He’s always been a fighter and nothing gets the better of him so come on big brother, fight your way back to health, we’re all rooting for you!

But talk about a kick in the nuts!  I guess experiences like these are character building, for want of a better description?  Your perception of what’s important gets a lot sharper and, personally, doing the Wainright next year has just become far more important to me!  I’m not in the best physical shape, by any stretch; overweight, I have hypertension and arthritis in a few joints – BUT – people live and cope with far worse than my little niggles everyday and never bat an eyelid about it.  So it’s obvious to me that I need to get rid of the timber to give myself the best chance I can of a long life (it’s been obvious for ages but I am quite lazy!).  Heart related problems are all over my family history and this weekend has really scared me – you know the script but when it’s this close to home, you take notice!

I indulged in a bit of stress relief yesterday, a good dose of shouting indiscriminately ending up with no voice and a sore throat, soothed by Carlsberg, Stella and Kronenbourg!  The Rovers looked decent, an encouraging start but hopefully they won’t give every team so much possession?  Everton’s away shirt is well, bloody awful to be fair – it could do with being toned down a little, but at least, as they say, they won’t get run over wearing something that bright!!

Well, they say what doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger and I’d pretty much agree with that sentiment.  I can’t wait to see the back of this year though, hopefully with no more shocks or tragedies for me or anyone – fingers crossed!

Despite it all, I’m still looking forward but with an added incentive and increased resolve to shift the lard and give myself the best chance for the future!  I can do it, just need to stop being lazy and get off my backside! 

Here goes……………………………………………..

I’m not the worlds best driver, by any stretch of the imagination, but some people should be kept off the roads at any cost.  Take the Muppet who pulled out on me a few weeks ago on my way to work.  A sharpish right hand bend, just after the Royal Oak at Riley Green on the way to Preston, with a junction right on the outside of the bend, this clown in a white transit pulls up to the junction,  I’m doing 45 (50 mph limit) and he pulls out in front of me at the last second, I flash my lights and have a shout (understandably in my eyes – I’d had to slam on because of him!) at which this clown starts to swerve all over the road, intentionally, and wave certain hand gestures at me – “Oh, sorry mate, didn’t realise ‘Give Way’ meant drive like an idiot!”  Luckily it was 6:45 am and the road was quiet.

Then there’s the kid who used to overtake me every morning on the hill going down into Hoghton.  He would catch me up at various points but there’s not really many decent places to overtake, so he always went for the same spot.  I’m not a slow driver, but I like to think I’m safe and besides my car is no speed machine!  I’d get to the crest of the hill and he’d be there, inches from my bumper, then once over the hill he’d be swerving in and out until he managed to get past, usually into oncoming traffic.  This was the kind of kid that’s passed his test recently, got his clapped out Corsa, put alloys (too big), a body kit, neons and a bloody stupid exhaust on it then couldn’t afford bulbs for his break lights!  It’s still an M reg Corsa you cock!  Saw him in a Type R Civic for a couple of weeks……then…….not seen him since?  Hope he only lost his licence and nothing worse happened to him!

After parking up and walking towards the office this morning I stepped onto a zebra crossing on Church Street in Preston only for a bus to drive onto the crossing in front of me, stop and wave his mate out of the junction with Manchester Road – I was half way across the crossing!  These are supposed to be professionals who are licensed for the job for heavens sake!!  I suggested the driver should, maybe, read the Highway Code, I got a barrage of expletives for my trouble – I know that if I did that in my job, I would be sacked!

Still, it beats public transport hands down.  When the bus turns up on time, rare, it trundles through to Preston at 25mph to keep to the timetable.  If it’s late, don’t even think about asking the driver why because you will get “not my bloody fault, I’ve been dragged out of the bloody canteen to drive this!” To which “Sorry mate, but isn’t it your job?” gets you nowhere! If your bus doesn’t show at all and you end up on the next one best not to make eye contact at all with the driver because he will go off on one about having no change or some other disaster.  Also, if your bus turns up late, you will end up thinking you’re in a scene from “Speed”  because he will not do less than 50 until Higher Walton!  Then there’s the smell………………..enough said!

What can you say, what has happened to basic manners and respect?  Maybe it’s seen as somehow wimpy to say “please” and “thank you” nowadays, maybe it’s just me being over sensitive, but I was brought up to to show respect and have manners.  As the saying goes, “manners cost nothing!”  We all get frustrated with things every day, it’s natural, that’s life, but more often than not it’s better to laugh it off, even if the thing/person frustrating you deserves a slap!  And yes, I’ve only developed this attitude in the last few months!  I’ve always had manners but I was the worlds worst for getting wound up with the most insignificant rubbish, not any more!

A lot of the things that used to annoy and irritate me don’t even register now, I’m a lot more pragmatic than I used to be, after all shit happens, right?  In fact, I’d go as far as to say that nothing really worries me any more, and some things really should which, ironically, worries me!  Still, it’s doing me good, the blood pressure is better than it has been for a couple of years and I sleep much better.  The next job is to get shut of the “puppy fat” I’ve accumulated down the years!  No, I’m not dieting, I’m overweight because I’m lazy thank you very much!

Time to get off my arse!

Well, thinking about a little project for next year which will give me the incentive to lose this “puppy fat” lard arse!

So, what’s next? 

I’ve lost a lot this year, my [insert any or all: partner, missus, best friend, lover, soul mate, other half, confidante] of 20 years to secondary breast cancer, aged 40. She coped with incredible pain and indifferent consultants and faced it all head on with the attitude “Bring it on, I’ll kick your arse!!”  She had an iron will but, unfortunately, cancer got the better of her – it was the only thing that ever did! Only once did she break down and cry and ask “What have I done to deserve this?”  No one was less deserving, but cancer doesn’t care about that! Nina was a truly wonderful soul; beautiful, intelligent, honest (brutally!), down to earth, industrious, perceptive (so many other superlatives apply!) and she forgave my stupidities. She made me a far better person than I ever could or would have been without her; I miss her every second.  Rest in peace honey, I love you! x

Then I lost one of my oldest friends to a heart attack, aged 42 (I should say we because he was a good friend to so many people).  Tony collapsed whilst playing his beloved cricket and died at the scene.  On the face of it fit and healthy but how can any of us be sure of our health when these things happen seemingly “out of the blue”?  Tony was a good man.  A genuinely funny, straightforward guy with who you always knew where you stood.  He had an intriguing mistrust of egg related products, particularly quiche; “What’s all that about?” he’d say, a question that would apply to many and varied topics!  But he was a good guy; from crashing out on a grass verge in town after an Inspiral Carpets gig, to singing footy songs in a Den Haag bar in his best Dutch accent – “Root Toot de groot…….” eh?? – to him being the first person to make me laugh after my loss – personal tragedy wasn’t going to stop him telling me what he thought of my liking for a bit of prog rock and after a hug and kind words he followed up with “Marillion are still shit though…”, I spat lager everywhere, only Tony!!  Too many good times to mention, love you mate, rest in peace!

People like these are few and far between and the gulf they leave in your life is enormous.  You’ve had a bad day at work, and you can’t wait to get home and offload, then you remember, and think to yourself “but she isn’t there?” – it cuts to the bone!

So how do you carry on?  People say “Time’s a healer” and “one day at a time” and they’re right I’m sure – but when you really can’t be bothered with the day to day drudgery on your own, because it hurts too much, how do you stop that feeling from overwhelming you and taking you to the dark places, because if you let it, it will!  I know I’m not the only person that this has happened to, and I won’t be the last, but that is exactly how it feels – you think no one could possibly understand your pain!  But many people do, in one way or another, and there’s a horrible comfort in that and once you accept that, you start to realise you’re not alone!  Every now and then something makes me smile or laugh (progress because smiling or laughing made me feel very guilty a few months ago!) and my heart lifts a little and the subconscious says “Come on then, one more step…..” and there’s the answer – small steps!

I’m lucky!  I have been looked after by many wonderful people this year, friends and family, and although it can’t replace the feeling of being in the arms of that one special person, it’s great to know they have your back!  I’m more than lucky!  I work with good people, a good team made up of very different characters, but all good, stand up folk – they’ve been a great help to my recovery without, I’m sure, even knowing it!  As the fog lifts I feel more a part of it rather than the feeling of looking in from the outside (just my perception, a symptom of being too far inside my own head!).

My friends, again very different, but with one very important thing in common – huge hearts!  I dread to think where I’d be without them!  I feel very humble, and will repay their kindness and generosity any way I can!

My family have been what you’d expect any good family to be, say no more!  My Mum has an accurate insight into my pain, she lost my Dad after 39 years of marriage – she knows – she’s kept me sane and kept me going – love you Mum!

St Johns Hospice.  I can’t describe how much admiration I have for those people.  They looked after Nina in her final days and hours and gave her back the dignity that cancer takes away and treated her like a person rather than a patient number which unfortunately seems to happen too much in hospitals!  To deal with death and grief on a daily basis with such sympathy, empathy and professionalism whilst retaining the human element is truly remarkable!  Along with all the support staff and volunteers,  you all deserve enormous credit!

So, what’s next?  Well, a little positivity is returning, a couple of Open University courses starting in October, my old hobby, photography, rekindled (I’m useless at it, but I can only get better – right?) and a new Premier League season round the corner – screaming like a loon down Ewood Park of a Saturday afternoon, stress relief – marvellous! 

Little things to look forward to, that’s what’s next – small steps!