So, I’m few months on now from coming off Citalopram and having a fight with Mindcare and the NHS trust about the time scales for getting new, correct medication. I had a conversation with an NHS manager who, to be fair, admitted that the reason for the delays in getting appointments, not just for me but in general, was down to problems booking rooms – in short, admin trumps clinical care. I was gobsmacked but having worked in the public sector for 15 years I was not at all surprised!

Anyway, I had my consultation brought forward and I was guided toward Quetiapine (I had wanted Lithium but sensed there was an agenda at work?), as this is apparently quite new, on these shores at least, and is well thought of because its side effects are minimal – except for the weight gain!

I started taking it, it made me very drowsy but I slept well for the first time in ages. The drowsiness got less and easier to manage, but I felt myself starting to feel completely flat and emotionless…numb and listless. I wasn’t happy, it isn’t living…it’s barely existing!

In between coming off Citalopram in March and starting Quetiapine in July I had a spell of being med free. I was scared at first, some old insecurities and feelings of self loathing tried to creep back, but because of the counselling I’ve had I had the tools to deal with that and actually coped really well.

So there I was, initially happy to have my new meds sorted but as they settled in my system the less human I began to feel…so I made the decision to come off those too! The decision was based on the fact that I have the belief and confidence that I can manage my life med free with the knowledge, understanding and experience I have gained along the way and also on the example of a friend and fellow warrior, Gemma, who made the decision to go “med free” some time ago and is an inspiration in the way she copes with and drives her own situation and brings up her daughter.

Now I’m not saying that everyone should go this way, just that it’s working for me so far, but if I have to swallow my pride and go back to medication, I will, simple! So think long and hard before you take the plunge, mental illness is hard to cope with at the best of times and we’re all very different, there is no “One size fits all” solution – make the most of everything available and make the most informed decision you can!

To finish I’d like to show a letter that my friend Gemma wrote to the local paper, to highlight her story as a bipolar warrior and explain her reasons for going med free. The paper dissected it and only used a few quotes (with a photo of a suitable celebrity sufferer), but it is a very concise and to the point story of how she arrived where she is today – an inspiration!

“Don’t Call Me Crazy”

I am a 24-year-old single mum who was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder about 21 months ago. Growing up I always knew something wasn’t right. I suffered greatly with depression and self harm throughout my teens. When my family found out, they booked me in for counselling and appointments with my GP. The doctor put it down to hormones and it wasn’t until I turned 16 that I was put on anti-depressants; the first of many horrific medications to come over the years. At 17 I took an overdose. I don’t remember thinking that I wanted to die, but I knew I didn’t want to live either. Thankfully I didn’t take enough to cause any lasting damage, and I couldn’t help but realise the irony of the situation; the tablets that were supposedly stopping me feeling suicidal, were the very same ones I used to take an attempt on my life. I went back to the doctor screaming out that there’s something else going on besides depression, only to be placed on yet another anti-depressant. I took seven different medications over the space of six years, all of which took my spark away. OK, so some of them did help with the depression, but they left me feeling numb, lethargic and dispirited. I had many ups and downs over the years as I sampled various medications, all the while managing to raise a perfectly healthy happy little girl on my own since the age of 19. It wasn’t until Christmas 2012 that I completely broke down. I have no idea what triggered it as everything was great at the time. I had just finished a Teaching Assistant qualification at college and was well on my way to completing my first year of a Foundation Degree in Disability Studies. It was then that my mum made the decision to pay for me to be privately referred to The Priory, and within twenty minutes of listening to me talk, the doctor straight away diagnosed me as having Bipolar Disorder Type 2. Now what I want to know is why did we have to pay one doctor over £200 to give me a diagnosis within minutes of meeting me that my own doctors hadn’t figured out despite knowing me my entire life? But at least I finally had an explanation that made sense. So now the medication would be different; a mood stabiliser to balance my ups and downs, and an added anti-depressant to boost me up. At first, these medications appeared to work better than any others I’ve tried, though it soon became apparent that I was about to be faced with my biggest side effect yet. I went from a tiny size 8 to a bulky size 12, literally within weeks, and put on over three stone. Despite my healthy eating and regular exercise, the weight just kept piling on. So of course, this lead to me feeling depressed. And that is why, for the first time since the age of 16, at 23, I made the decision to try and live my life med-free. So, against the doctor’s advice, I slowly weaned myself off them, and for the first time in my life, I experienced my first euphoric high. It’s impossible to explain the feeling; contrary to belief, it is so much more than simply feeling happy, as opposed to feeling sad. Over the years, there were many things that made me happy, the biggest one being raising my daughter. However, I had never felt happy within myself until now. My confidence soared as this new-found energy brought me inspirational ideas and determination to succeed in life. And that is when I realised, when it comes to Bipolar, and other mood disorders, the doctors’ priorities seem to lie in calming the mania by silencing our minds. Well I’m sorry but I can’t live like that. I need my highs to inspire me to conquer my dreams; they are the light when I am trapped in the tunnel of depression. I know saying goodbye to medication would have dire effects for some people living with this disorder; however, it was the right choice for me. I can’t stop the dark days entirely, and I don’t think I ever will. But for me, this isn’t something any amount of counselling or tablets can fix. Since being off medication has allowed me to think clearly for the first time, I am finally able to learn how to live with this disorder by recognising and avoiding my ‘triggers’. Though my life is far from perfect; I am finally happy, and able to accept myself just the way I am. Now all I need is for others to do the same, and that is why I’m sharing my story; in hopes that I will inspire my fellow bipolar warriors, to see that although there is no cure, it is possible to learn to live a perfectly normal happy life, and together we can eliminate the stigma once and for all. I’m not crazy, just a little different. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Gemma is a talented aspiring writer, poet and photographer who I keep trying to nudge to get set up on WordPress in order to showcase her work; I think it’s about time…

don’t you?