So, it’s 4:50 am and I can’t sleep!
Right now I’m swinging from one extreme to another and I don’t like it much. I’m unmedicated for the first time since my GP diagnosed me with depression nearly three years ago. Although Citalopram is wrong for Bipolar Disorder I can now see the vast effect it had on me. It took away anxiety, fear of failing…fear of any kind really, it gave me confidence and a huge sense of empathy (that’s still me but it’s buried underneath the nonsense that goes with depression and mania) – it generally gave me incredible belief in myself that I could overcome everything in time!
At the moment I feel as if everything is crashing around me and I’m lurching from one disaster to the next…
…It’s irrational of course; nothing has changed in the world but without that helping chemical hand my wonky brain’s perception of the world is quite warped, and it’s not nice.
A couple of weeks ago I had an appointment to see a doctor at Mindcare, Daisyfield Mill, to talk over my options for Bipolar Medication and for him to give me a prescription for my drug of choice, that was on the 15th May. Now, I hold my hand up to this – I got the time wrong, I turned up at 11:30 when it should have been 11:30 – I’m a stickler for punctuality, don’t know how I managed it but I did – even got the letter out the night before with the correct time on and it still didn’t register.
The upshot was, after a little wait they got another practitioner to come and speak to me who asked me the questions she “believed” the doctor would ask me, this took about an hour. She then said that as the consultant’s next open appointment was in July she would arrange for me to see their pharmacist as he was able to prescribe and should be able to sort me out with a prescription. She rang me the day after with an appointment to see the pharmacist the following Tuesday, I turned up at the correct time, had another lengthy conversation, made my choice of drug but left empty handed because he said he couldn’t prescribe without talking to the consultant – but he assured me that he’d try to get me in to see the consultant and would get “someone” to ring me to let me know – that was a week ago! I’m angry because I’m struggling and becoming genuinely unwell when all I need is a prescription while they are messing about with administration (do I really have to wait till July to get one). Call me cynical but maybe the consultant’s private clinic duties are more important…
I was given my diagnosis on the 13th March, eleven weeks ago, and I still haven’t got a prescription for correct medication – the sad fact is mental illness isn’t taken seriously unless, as they always tell you, “you’re feeling suicidal then we’ll get you in urgently” – the trouble with that is; if you’re genuinely suicidal your instinct isn’t to ring them, it’s to end it all! I’m lucky, I’ve never dropped to that point so far but the thought that “It’s all too hard, I’m exhausted and I’ve had enough” is always in the back of my mind and fighting it is genuinely exhausting and functioning properly is getting harder and harder.
Time to pay them a visit this morning methinks and kick some NHS booty…
Kev's mutterings... 