Tag: spiritual

Don’t forget to take your meds…

On By Kev BrownIn Health and Wellness, LifeLeave a comment

So, I’m few months on now from coming off Citalopram and having a fight with Mindcare and the NHS trust about the time scales for getting new, correct medication. I had a conversation with an NHS manager who, to be fair, admitted that the reason for the delays in getting appointments, not just for me but in general, was down to problems booking rooms – in short, admin trumps clinical care. I was gobsmacked but having worked in the public sector for 15 years I was not at all surprised!

Anyway, I had my consultation brought forward and I was guided toward Quetiapine (I had wanted Lithium but sensed there was an agenda at work?), as this is apparently quite new, on these shores at least, and is well thought of because its side effects are minimal – except for the weight gain!

I started taking it, it made me very drowsy but I slept well for the first time in ages. The drowsiness got less and easier to manage, but I felt myself starting to feel completely flat and emotionless…numb and listless. I wasn’t happy, it isn’t living…it’s barely existing!

In between coming off Citalopram in March and starting Quetiapine in July I had a spell of being med free. I was scared at first, some old insecurities and feelings of self loathing tried to creep back, but because of the counselling I’ve had I had the tools to deal with that and actually coped really well.

So there I was, initially happy to have my new meds sorted but as they settled in my system the less human I began to feel…so I made the decision to come off those too! The decision was based on the fact that I have the belief and confidence that I can manage my life med free with the knowledge, understanding and experience I have gained along the way and also on the example of a friend and fellow warrior, Gemma, who made the decision to go “med free” some time ago and is an inspiration in the way she copes with and drives her own situation and brings up her daughter.

Now I’m not saying that everyone should go this way, just that it’s working for me so far, but if I have to swallow my pride and go back to medication, I will, simple! So think long and hard before you take the plunge, mental illness is hard to cope with at the best of times and we’re all very different, there is no “One size fits all” solution – make the most of everything available and make the most informed decision you can!

To finish I’d like to show a letter that my friend Gemma wrote to the local paper, to highlight her story as a bipolar warrior and explain her reasons for going med free. The paper dissected it and only used a few quotes (with a photo of a suitable celebrity sufferer), but it is a very concise and to the point story of how she arrived where she is today – an inspiration!

“Don’t Call Me Crazy”

I am a 24-year-old single mum who was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder about 21 months ago. Growing up I always knew something wasn’t right. I suffered greatly with depression and self harm throughout my teens. When my family found out, they booked me in for counselling and appointments with my GP. The doctor put it down to hormones and it wasn’t until I turned 16 that I was put on anti-depressants; the first of many horrific medications to come over the years. At 17 I took an overdose. I don’t remember thinking that I wanted to die, but I knew I didn’t want to live either. Thankfully I didn’t take enough to cause any lasting damage, and I couldn’t help but realise the irony of the situation; the tablets that were supposedly stopping me feeling suicidal, were the very same ones I used to take an attempt on my life. I went back to the doctor screaming out that there’s something else going on besides depression, only to be placed on yet another anti-depressant. I took seven different medications over the space of six years, all of which took my spark away. OK, so some of them did help with the depression, but they left me feeling numb, lethargic and dispirited. I had many ups and downs over the years as I sampled various medications, all the while managing to raise a perfectly healthy happy little girl on my own since the age of 19. It wasn’t until Christmas 2012 that I completely broke down. I have no idea what triggered it as everything was great at the time. I had just finished a Teaching Assistant qualification at college and was well on my way to completing my first year of a Foundation Degree in Disability Studies. It was then that my mum made the decision to pay for me to be privately referred to The Priory, and within twenty minutes of listening to me talk, the doctor straight away diagnosed me as having Bipolar Disorder Type 2. Now what I want to know is why did we have to pay one doctor over £200 to give me a diagnosis within minutes of meeting me that my own doctors hadn’t figured out despite knowing me my entire life? But at least I finally had an explanation that made sense. So now the medication would be different; a mood stabiliser to balance my ups and downs, and an added anti-depressant to boost me up. At first, these medications appeared to work better than any others I’ve tried, though it soon became apparent that I was about to be faced with my biggest side effect yet. I went from a tiny size 8 to a bulky size 12, literally within weeks, and put on over three stone. Despite my healthy eating and regular exercise, the weight just kept piling on. So of course, this lead to me feeling depressed. And that is why, for the first time since the age of 16, at 23, I made the decision to try and live my life med-free. So, against the doctor’s advice, I slowly weaned myself off them, and for the first time in my life, I experienced my first euphoric high. It’s impossible to explain the feeling; contrary to belief, it is so much more than simply feeling happy, as opposed to feeling sad. Over the years, there were many things that made me happy, the biggest one being raising my daughter. However, I had never felt happy within myself until now. My confidence soared as this new-found energy brought me inspirational ideas and determination to succeed in life. And that is when I realised, when it comes to Bipolar, and other mood disorders, the doctors’ priorities seem to lie in calming the mania by silencing our minds. Well I’m sorry but I can’t live like that. I need my highs to inspire me to conquer my dreams; they are the light when I am trapped in the tunnel of depression. I know saying goodbye to medication would have dire effects for some people living with this disorder; however, it was the right choice for me. I can’t stop the dark days entirely, and I don’t think I ever will. But for me, this isn’t something any amount of counselling or tablets can fix. Since being off medication has allowed me to think clearly for the first time, I am finally able to learn how to live with this disorder by recognising and avoiding my ‘triggers’. Though my life is far from perfect; I am finally happy, and able to accept myself just the way I am. Now all I need is for others to do the same, and that is why I’m sharing my story; in hopes that I will inspire my fellow bipolar warriors, to see that although there is no cure, it is possible to learn to live a perfectly normal happy life, and together we can eliminate the stigma once and for all. I’m not crazy, just a little different. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Gemma is a talented aspiring writer, poet and photographer who I keep trying to nudge to get set up on WordPress in order to showcase her work; I think it’s about time…

don’t you?

The Captain tries to hide his contempt for corporate red tape in the Health Service…

On By Kev BrownIn Health and Wellness, LifeLeave a comment

So…

As I intimated in my earlier post, I went to Mindcare this morning to see what’s happening regarding my medication. A nice lady came out to speak to me and I explained the situation. She said that the guy who I’d seen the week before was off until Monday and that she would leave a message for him to get back to me and that he does clinics, also on Mondays, that he may be able to squeeze me on to to sort out my prescription.

This, apparently, was the best she could do for me at this time. I said it’s nearly 12 weeks since diagnosis, her reply, dismissively “well that’s not long!” I bit my lip as I thought about the other 14 months since referral at which she noticed my irritation as I said very pointedly  “I came off my previous medication at your advice and now I’m taking nothing and getting worse, I’m going backwards, I’m not well!”

Again I got “Sorry, but that’s all we can do…try your GP, it might be quicker?”

Me:  “I thought that’s why I had to come here, because my GP wasn’t supposed to prescribe these drugs?”

Her: “Well as long as the clinical information is on the system they can contact us and do the prescription”

Me: “Is the clinical info on the system?”

Her: “<shrugs> Should be!”

So I went to my GP and explained the situation to the receptionist who took a look at the “system” to find NO clinical information, without which, therefore, the GP can’t prescribe my meds. She gave them a call, the person I’d spoken to ten minutes previously had vanished but the person she spoke to agreed that there was no clinical info on the system, but an appointment had been booked for me on the 17th JULY – she must have forgotten to tell me that while I was at Mindcare. So the receptionist got them to leave a message with the pharmacist to call her about it on Monday with a view to getting this clinical info on the “system” so my GP can sort a prescription for me – so fingers crossed for Monday!!!

So thanks to Alison at Redlam Surgery but to the lovely folk at Mindcare; “Thank you for making Admin more important than my health, you’ve given me such a warm glow inside! It’s a prescription that YOU have agreed on for crying out loud!!!”  I hope I can get a prescription sorted by my GP because I will go postal on the consultant’s ass – mental health doesn’t work around your calendar and I’m getting a bit volcanoish where he’s concerned!

I know people who’ve waited far longer for diagnoses and correct medication and care and they have my total respect and support, I’m just fighting my own little corner – but something needs to be done about it – depression can be as deadly as any other illness out there!

 

Captain Chaos takes heavy fire in the first skirmish but comes through with only bruised pride…

On By Kev BrownIn Health and Wellness, LifeLeave a comment

So it’s been just over a week since I started to come down from the antidepressants. To recap; I’m recently diagnosed with Type 2 Bipolar Disorder having been treated for depression for 3 years with Citalopram (an SSRI) which is contraindicated for Bipolar because SSRI’s exacerbate the manic side of Bipolar – it’s been a blast!

The antidepressants have generally had a good effect on me; increased confidence, less anxiety and irritability – some negative side effects which, well, don’t need to aired here (if you’ve taken the stuff you’ll know). However, there’s always been two things that didn’t seem quite right, the mood swings still happened and I’ve been completely devoid of emotion – total indifference to any given situation, and that’s NOT me!

Marillion Artwork
Hidden Jester

Imagine my surprise when, after a couple of nights sleep (I use the term lightly), which were more akin to the youthful experiments with LSD many moons ago, the waterworks started – at anything and everything “Oh that car’s a lovely blue….waaaaaaaaaaaaa!!” (Do men get hormonal??) Seriously? Get a grip man! The old insecurities started to creep in; “You’re irritating everyone“, “you’re in the way“, “you’re a pain in the arse“, “YOU’RE NOT WORTHY OF THESE WONDERFUL PEOPLE!” The old me – not the new, improved (not to mention mildly arrogant, smug, overconfident and totally lovable – stop it!!!) me that I’ve dug out from the depths of my soul (Yeah man!!) thanks to counselling, reading, listening and yes, Citalopram!

I had got myself into a rut by last evening and the trouble is that the version of you that THINKS you’re being a pain in the arse, that drives you to apologise for being a pain in the arse, IS a pain in the arse and HE does more damage than anything!

Thankfully I have some very unique people in my life who basically don’t let me get away with being an arse with such motivational phrases as “Shut up you Muppet!” and “Stop it Kev, you’re being a dick!” – no sarcasm intended, they make me take a step back, think, laugh at myself and snap out of it – priceless!

So between an old friend, Sandra, who’s come through her own ‘troubles’ (for want of a more appropriate word) with incredible strength and dignity and a new friend, Gemma, a fellow sufferer who’s been through hell and doesn’t give herself nearly enough credit for how inspirational her story is and how she’s dealt with everything that’s been thrown at her – they did just that, made me punch demon #1 (Disconsolate Boy) in the throat and knock him off my shoulder! Of course I had another great friend’s voice, Janine (who knows all about living with mental illness), in my mind at the time too, going as I mentioned earlier, “…you’re being a dick…!“

So today, I’ve slept, at least for a few hours, feel a little more refreshed with an increased resolve and back to, to a major degree, the proper me. The chemicals are still playing games but I guess they will do until they’re out of my system and I can start the next ones! Woohoo! 😉

Everyone is fighting their own personal battle so be kind. It takes no effort to smile at a passer by – admittedly they may think you’re a loony but so what, chances are you’ll make someone’s day!

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” Leo Buscaglia

Much love, take care folks!

Where does time go………?

On By Kev BrownIn Health and Wellness, Life3 Comments

I haven’t written to this blog since January 2012, following the events of 2010, I dubbed it “The year to be forgotten, that never will be” or words to that effect. Anyway, a whole lot has happened in the time since.

I don’t claim to be unique for anything that has happened, far from it. Rather, just another drop in the ocean but, thanks to various people, I have a deeper understanding of what it means to “find yourself” – some call it Spirituality, some say “Bloody hippy nonsense” – the trick is to separate spirituality from religion and you can begin to get the gist.

Whether you’re an atheist or a person of faith the fact is that our bodies run on energy, electrical impulses controlled by the kind of computing power Intel can only dream about – The Brain! Sometimes it goes wrong………

Ok, so people die, it comes to us all, our nearest and dearest pass away, tragedies happen, usually it seems to the least deserving of people, “God only takes the best” was stated to me several times – my answer being “well that makes him selfish and cruel – surely??” – but this isn’t an argument about religion. Losing someone isn’t restricted to death either, seemingly well balanced folk can all of a sudden display totally warped values, a lack of morals maybe or even just total indifference to the feelings to someone who they have claimed to love for a long time! It all takes its toll.

The trauma of losing someone very close is incredibly difficult to take and deal with and depending on circumstances can be nigh on impossible – the feeling of holding the most important person you’ve ever had in your life as they take their final breath is as close, I imagine from experience, to having your heart physically torn from your chest! Being betrayed by the one special person who swore they’d never hurt you, although a different circumstance can’t be easier to deal with – that person is still alive and can still affect your life, with a bereavement there is just loss. So never put levels of difficulty on it, it doesn’t work that way, we are all different, we are all human (even if some of them don’t exactly behave that way)!

From a personal point of view, and after the last few years of having more dropped on me than my brain could handle I find myself learning about mental health issues. After breaking down in 2011 and being diagnosed with depression I began medication and counselling – old news! What the professionals think now is that the medication triggered a massive Manic episode – rather than just leveling out the depression it sent me on a mental rampage for a while which turned out to be very destructive – more old news! The manic phase is what distinguishes Bipolar Disorder from Depression – nobody goes to the doctor when they feel great and want to take on the world, so it gets diagnosed late in a lot of cases!

The word Bipolar popped into my head one night whilst I was sat on the sofa, at my wits end, no interest in carrying on, looking at suicide web sites looking for the cleanest and easiest way to go out. That might sound very matter of fact, but I look back and, well, that’s how it was – perfectly rational in my head, obviously there’s nothing rational about suicide, or indeed depression. A friend of mine committed suicide ten years ago and I’ve been angry at him ever since for taking the so-called “cowards way out” – now…I understand perfectly how he got to the point of no return, and it scares me witless!

I started to research Bipolar and it made so much sense, not just to recent events, but I could apply it to many areas of my life so far. I spoke to my GP and explained what had been going on, explained that I had found that my Dad suffered and his sister suffers manic depression (now known as bipolar disorder) and she said that it does run in families and can lay dormant until some trauma or other triggers it – Bingo!

A year of counselling made me more philosophical, I guess, and more pragmatic. It taught me that sometimes there is no answer and to accept that fact! The exercise of looking at yourself in the eye in the mirror and saying “I love you”, without falling to bits in embarrassment, but actually meaning it is incredibly powerful – as daft as it sounds – And that brings me back to spirituality, the moment you can face yourself and tell yourself that you love YOURSELF – well, that’s when you’ve found yourself – all the doubts go, all the what if I’d done xyz’s disappear, it’s incredibly empowering! The other thing was learning to let go of things that make you angry, that you can’t change – while you’re angry about them, they have a power over you, let go of that anger and that power disappears – that doesn’t mean the same as forgiveness – no, no, no – you can stop being angry about things but you don’t have to forgive – just don’t let it become a grudge, but if you’ve let go of the anger then there’s no reason why it should!

Thus endeth today’s lesson…No, hahaha, I’m no expert, I’m learning daily and coming to terms with what my brain is playing at. I constantly have to make little lifestyle changes and recognise when the mood swings are coming because they will always be with me. The obvious thing to my mind is to relate my experiences and hope that in some small way I can help anyone who might recognise some traits in themselves and hopefully inspire them to either get help or maybe do the same as me try to raise awareness and get rid of the stigma of mental illness.

So here we are, Christmas again, a terribly stressful time of the year – please remember that it’s supposed to be a time of good will to ALL; so spare a thought for anyone who may be suffering – the words “I’m fine” rarely mean exactly that and you really could save someone’s life with a kind word, an ear to bend or a shoulder to cry on – take it from me!

I don’t feel sorry for myself or want sympathy – been there and done that, it turns you into a sniveling little worm. I’ve accepted my lot and just intend to get on with it, learning as I go (apologising when necessary hahaha) but most importantly, just being me because that’s all I can be!!

Cheers!!!

I’ll leave you with a true story;

One day, up in the frozen north a polar bear and his son were out for a stroll. Daddy bear sat on a lump of ice to admire the view and sent his son off to play. Two minutes later Junior came back to dad and says, “Can I ask you a question dad?”

“Sure, son what is it?”

“Am I a real polar bear, Dad?” asks Junior.

Dad smiles and says, “Of course you are, son. Now go and play.”

So off Junior goes again throws some snowballs at the seals but soon he’s back.

“Hey Dad, are you sure I am a real polar bear? Is there not a wee bit of brown bear or black bear in me?”

Dad smiles again and says, “Look son you’ve got big hairy black feet, a white coat, and a black shiny nose…of course you’re a polar bear….now go back and play.”

Once again Junior runs off…slides down the ice….chases a couple of seagulls…after ten minutes of fun he returns with a puzzled look on his face…..

“Daaaad….are you absolutely sure I’m a polar bear?”

“Look son…I’m a polar bear, your mums a polar bear, your granny and grandpa were polar bears…why are you asking all these questions?”

Junior looks up and says….”Cause I’m f**kin’ freezing! “