So it’s been just over a week since I started to come down from the antidepressants. To recap; I’m recently diagnosed with Type 2 Bipolar Disorder having been treated for depression for 3 years with Citalopram (an SSRI) which is contraindicated for Bipolar because SSRI’s exacerbate the manic side of Bipolar – it’s been a blast!

The antidepressants have generally had a good effect on me; increased confidence, less anxiety and irritability – some negative side effects which, well, don’t need to aired here (if you’ve taken the stuff you’ll know). However, there’s always been two things that didn’t seem quite right, the mood swings still happened and I’ve been completely devoid of emotion – total indifference to any given situation, and that’s NOT me!

Imagine my surprise when, after a couple of nights sleep (I use the term lightly), which were more akin to the youthful experiments with LSD many moons ago, the waterworks started – at anything and everything “Oh that car’s a lovely blue….waaaaaaaaaaaaa!!” (Do men get hormonal??) Seriously? Get a grip man! The old insecurities started to creep in; “You’re irritating everyone“, “you’re in the way“, “you’re a pain in the arse“, “YOU’RE NOT WORTHY OF THESE WONDERFUL PEOPLE!” The old me – not the new, improved (not to mention mildly arrogant, smug, overconfident and totally lovable – stop it!!!) me that I’ve dug out from the depths of my soul (Yeah man!!) thanks to counselling, reading, listening and yes, Citalopram!

I had got myself into a rut by last evening and the trouble is that the version of you that THINKS you’re being a pain in the arse, that drives you to apologise for being a pain in the arse, IS a pain in the arse and HE does more damage than anything!

Thankfully I have some very unique people in my life who basically don’t let me get away with being an arse with such motivational phrases as “Shut up you Muppet!” and “Stop it Kev, you’re being a dick!” – no sarcasm intended, they make me take a step back, think, laugh at myself and snap out of it – priceless!

So between an old friend, Sandra, who’s come through her own ‘troubles’ (for want of a more appropriate word) with incredible strength and dignity and a new friend, Gemma, a fellow sufferer who’s been through hell and doesn’t give herself nearly enough credit for how inspirational her story is and how she’s dealt with everything that’s been thrown at her – they did just that, made me punch demon #1 (Disconsolate Boy) in the throat and knock him off my shoulder! Of course I had another great friend’s voice, Janine (who knows all about living with mental illness), in my mind at the time too, going as I mentioned earlier, “…you’re being a dick…!“

So today, I’ve slept, at least for a few hours, feel a little more refreshed with an increased resolve and back to, to a major degree, the proper me. The chemicals are still playing games but I guess they will do until they’re out of my system and I can start the next ones! Woohoo! 😉

Everyone is fighting their own personal battle so be kind. It takes no effort to smile at a passer by – admittedly they may think you’re a loony but so what, chances are you’ll make someone’s day!

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” Leo Buscaglia

Much love, take care folks!