Well……………..since my last muttering things have been quite eventful! Odd reactions to antidepressants, counselling and generally things on the mend, looking up!

From being confident that I’d dealt and coped with everything that has been thrown at me at the end of last year to breaking down in a heap and finally realising that I needed help in August was a hell of a shock!

I can only speak for myself because I know that I’m not the only one to deal with tragedies, disasters, heartbreak etc. I listen to so many people who tell their own particular story and in 99% of the cases they have the attitude “That’s life, you’ve just got to get on with it” and they amaze and impress me so very much, especially now that I’m actually taking notice and learning lessons from people – counselling works…..for me anyway!

I’ve been told to seek counselling ever since Nina passed away and I’ve basically been guilty of dismissing the idea because, well, “I’m coping, aren’t I?”  Cutting the story short, I went to my GP who prescribed antidepressants and suggested counselling.  So, OK, I started the pills which had a very odd effect on me, a few weeks of feeling totally detached and wired, no sleep (not even beer sleep) and feeling very frayed (for want of a better word) – oh, and the heavy sweating – not the best look! My GP then doubled the dose in order to help me sleep and calm me down – that has taken an extra seven weeks to begin to work but, now that they are starting to work, I have to admit I feel great!

BUT – Once I took the plunge and went for counselling, that has really turned me around! No dark art to it, no judgement, no advice or clichés, just vast experience of how and why people begin to think and feel the way they do! From my point of view I had turned everything in on myself and come to the conclusion that I must have deserved everything that had happened for some bizarre reason because, obviously, I must be some kind of monster! Irrational much?

Very simply, counselling has allowed me to pour everything out to someone who has no involvement with me, my friends or anything that has happened and most importantly given me a totally neutral perspective, not so much on what’s happened, but on myself – and that is the most important point!

I actually like myself for the first time I can remember!

I hope I can stop the pills in the next couple of months because, although they have had a big effect on my mood and emotional state, counselling has had a far more profound effect on me as a person and, frankly, I’d rather not have drugs controlling me indefinitely!

That isn’t to say that, if asked, I wouldn’t recommend trying antidepressants! I would say, give it a go, you never know – it might work for you! Virtually everyone I’ve spoken to in the last few months has experience of it at some level and I’ve learned so much from them!

But I would, without any shadow of a doubt, recommend counselling!  I was lucky enough to have been referred to CancerCare in Lancaster (mainly because of my connection to St Johns Hospice, which is next door) where they have a raft of different therapies that you can try if you think one particular avenue isn’t working! I’ve just basically been talking, getting everything off my chest and having it pointed out that I’m not a bad person who deserves all these bad things, but just a normal guy who’s been on the end of a bad run of events which were totally out of my control – somehow makes more sense when someone completely neutral tells you – absolutely no disrespect to all my fantastic friends and family who have looked after me and kept me sane(ish)!

This is just my experience, I know people have coped and continue to cope with far worse and they have my total respect and best wishes!

I choose to talk about it this way because I’ve come to realise how much I have bottled up and this, for me, is very therapeutic, and I would recommend writing as a way to get things off your chest too! I’ve read my blogs from the end of last year and quite frankly found them amusing! The thanks to all my friends will always stand, they’re amazing people, but my assertions that I was mentally strong and stable made me realise how fragile we are, another couple of knocks finished me off!

But I’m different, not in any big way, just “tweaked” – being happy with myself, confident, enjoying life and a budding relationship with a wonderful lady are making me very excited for the future – BRING IT ON!

“To the future……….CHEERS!