Tag: family

Captain Chaos takes heavy fire in the first skirmish but comes through with only bruised pride…

On By Kev BrownIn Health and Wellness, LifeLeave a comment

So it’s been just over a week since I started to come down from the antidepressants. To recap; I’m recently diagnosed with Type 2 Bipolar Disorder having been treated for depression for 3 years with Citalopram (an SSRI) which is contraindicated for Bipolar because SSRI’s exacerbate the manic side of Bipolar – it’s been a blast!

The antidepressants have generally had a good effect on me; increased confidence, less anxiety and irritability – some negative side effects which, well, don’t need to aired here (if you’ve taken the stuff you’ll know). However, there’s always been two things that didn’t seem quite right, the mood swings still happened and I’ve been completely devoid of emotion – total indifference to any given situation, and that’s NOT me!

Marillion Artwork
Hidden Jester

Imagine my surprise when, after a couple of nights sleep (I use the term lightly), which were more akin to the youthful experiments with LSD many moons ago, the waterworks started – at anything and everything “Oh that car’s a lovely blue….waaaaaaaaaaaaa!!” (Do men get hormonal??) Seriously? Get a grip man! The old insecurities started to creep in; “You’re irritating everyone“, “you’re in the way“, “you’re a pain in the arse“, “YOU’RE NOT WORTHY OF THESE WONDERFUL PEOPLE!” The old me – not the new, improved (not to mention mildly arrogant, smug, overconfident and totally lovable – stop it!!!) me that I’ve dug out from the depths of my soul (Yeah man!!) thanks to counselling, reading, listening and yes, Citalopram!

I had got myself into a rut by last evening and the trouble is that the version of you that THINKS you’re being a pain in the arse, that drives you to apologise for being a pain in the arse, IS a pain in the arse and HE does more damage than anything!

Thankfully I have some very unique people in my life who basically don’t let me get away with being an arse with such motivational phrases as “Shut up you Muppet!” and “Stop it Kev, you’re being a dick!” – no sarcasm intended, they make me take a step back, think, laugh at myself and snap out of it – priceless!

So between an old friend, Sandra, who’s come through her own ‘troubles’ (for want of a more appropriate word) with incredible strength and dignity and a new friend, Gemma, a fellow sufferer who’s been through hell and doesn’t give herself nearly enough credit for how inspirational her story is and how she’s dealt with everything that’s been thrown at her – they did just that, made me punch demon #1 (Disconsolate Boy) in the throat and knock him off my shoulder! Of course I had another great friend’s voice, Janine (who knows all about living with mental illness), in my mind at the time too, going as I mentioned earlier, “…you’re being a dick…!“

So today, I’ve slept, at least for a few hours, feel a little more refreshed with an increased resolve and back to, to a major degree, the proper me. The chemicals are still playing games but I guess they will do until they’re out of my system and I can start the next ones! Woohoo! 😉

Everyone is fighting their own personal battle so be kind. It takes no effort to smile at a passer by – admittedly they may think you’re a loony but so what, chances are you’ll make someone’s day!

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” Leo Buscaglia

Much love, take care folks!

Living in the spotlight…………….

On By Kev BrownIn LifeLeave a comment

As this year draws to a close it’s doing its best to stick the boot in before it goes – no, not me again, before you say it!

We said goodbye to Billy Billington last week, too young at 54, but a top guy who will be sorely missed!  My heart goes out to Vikki and her family, to lose a close family member is tough at any time, but on Christmas morning……..say no more!  A close mate got a good kicking in a pub (the details are still a bit hazy but now we know he butts and bites!!). I know plenty of people who’ve been and are about to go through anniversaries of recent tragedies, all tough to deal with at the best of times …………again, say no more!  They say there are only two certain things in life – death and taxes – I work in one field and one of my best friends deals with the other – small world!

Anyway, under the circumstances I’ve done OK. It’s been a strange journey, one that lots of people have taken, so I’ve had no end of experience to call on to help me deal with my own circumstances – that’s what friends are for!  They are there for you unconditionally – and that is the key word!  They’ll give you an ear to bend or a shoulder to cry on but will equally tell you when you’re, to put it bluntly, being an arse!  What they don’t do is constantly make you feel like you owe them a debt of gratitude!  You might feel that way towards them for their past kindness, that’s fine, but they won’t deliberately make you feel that way! 

I’ve learned a lot this last few months, mainly due to counselling it has to be said, about myself and how I perceive other people and in some cases it has really shocked me! I’m no different to anyone else in most areas.  I’m lucky enough to have a job, I enjoy a pint (or three), love spending time with friends old and new down the local and quiet time with that special someone! When I go out, I fully intend to have a laugh and enjoy myself, to have the craic to coin a phrase – just like everyone else!  I’m getting on with my life the best way I can after a horrible few years! Apparently, by that token, it means that I think being in the spotlight is the be all and end all of existence!  The irony of that statement and the person it came from is blinding!  I was in so many peoples shadows when I was a kid because I was quiet, shy, awkward, useless with women, ginger, lazy eye (not a vast amount in my favour and I hated myself!) and was always the one that got told “but you’re like a big brother to me Kev…….it would be weird” by the girls (although that’s not all bad because I still have close friends because of that too) but some people took advantage of that and pulled stunts on me more than once and made me look ridiculous – but hey, we were kids, and chances are I’d have done the same so no real harm, no foul, it’s history!  I lost my dad when I was 23 and that started to change me, “Nothing can hurt like this, so why have I put up with all this rubbish……..?” I thought! Unfortunately I’ve found out the hard way that things can and do hurt more, as we all know I’m sure!

So, anyone who I see on a regular basis now who didn’t know me then will probably read how I described my younger self and think “Sod off!” – well except for the ginger and useless with women bits!! But, I have changed – I like myself – and that’s a really liberating feeling for someone like me and if I do appear to be in the spotlight it’ll be for the right reasons (unless I’ve been drinking that yellow stuff again – cheers Karen!) and so what, maybe this is MY 15 minutes of fame, I have nothing to apologise for!

We all make mistakes, it’s natural!  Some can cause trouble, some are an inconvenience, some are just downright insignificant – but mistakes nonetheless, and can be forgiven in most cases, in time in other cases!  But we don’t all make calculated attempts to undermine peoples relationships – phrases like “I was just looking out for you!” or “I didn’t mean to be like that, I was drunk!” just don’t wash! Being obnoxious for the sake of it and giving yourself licence by saying “don’t be offended by it, it’s just how I am!” doesn’t wash either, there’s no need, again it’s calculated, don’t pretend it isn’t!

I’ve worked hard to get myself sorted and back in the right direction and NO ONE is going to undermine that with petty mind games and downright childish nastiness – NO ONE! I know who my friends are and I love them all for all I’m worth!!

So, I wish everyone a very happy and prosperous New Year and that it brings you everything you wish for!  Eat, drink, be merry yadda yadda – I know I will……………….now where’s that bloody spotlight?