Today marks the beginning of the next chapter of my life.
I finally received the definitive diagnosis of Type 2 Bipolar Disorder a couple of weeks ago and can now, finally, focus on that! The problem has been, though, that although I now have the diagnosis I’m still not actually being treated for anything until the meds and therapy start! I’ve coped so far under my own guidance for the most part, I did learn a lot from counselling a couple of years ago, but this is very different – I’m very proud of that because I know the place I was at 12 months ago before the “eureka” moment, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone!
I’ve been lucky enough to have had a few days away with fantastic people and had a change of scenery and a good old laugh, better than any medication, but, as is the case with most things in my life the nagging depression “demon” is there at every second making you question every word you say. It goes;
“ooooh, shouldn’t have said that, they won’t take it right – better apologise!”
So you apologise and the person goes,
“Don’t be daft, you haven’t said anything wrong!”
You apologise for apologising,
“Stop it you Muppet, it’s ok, no problem!”
You apologise for being a Muppet,
“Oh for God’s sake, it’s ok, stop it…!”
And on and on……
By this time you hate yourself because that “demon” now has you thinking you’re the biggest irritant on the planet and that these fantastic people who show you so much love and support are just tolerating you – absurd nonsense and totally irrational of course – but that’s how powerful those “demons” are; it’s totally exhausting having a constant mental argument with yourself just to try to keep it together. I now understand why people choose to give in and end it all, because it can get incredibly painful – the fact that there’s no stick, plaster cast, visible scarring or any outward signs doesn’t mean there’s no pain! I’ve been at that crossroads, it’s a horrible place!
If there’s one thing I would want people to try to understand about depression (from my point of view of course) is that it isn’t about a person just feeling sorry for themselves and wanting attention, those people do exist of course, we all know them; it’s that it’s a constant debilitating battle with yourself to feel that you’re not worthless or that you’re not “in the way” or making up the numbers – depression is an illness, a chemical imbalance – NOT a character flaw!
Now, the other “demon”, the manic one! He’s a party animal! He’s the life and soul. He’s the one whose attitude to any situation is “Come on, let’s have it…” like a bull on steroids, fueled by pure adrenaline in a priceless china shop. This one will leave you penniless, homeless and friendless unless you get him by the throat and physically put him down – he’s dangerous. He’s trouble; he instigates the things you feel you need to (and more likely HAVE to) apologise for when he’s buggered off and usually too late. When he’s around you don’t sleep, your mind never stops racing with ridiculously grand ideas and schemes, you constantly replay scenarios and play out all the “what if I’d said/done this” scenes. You’re constantly wired and function (barely) with very little sleep – again it’s utterly exhausting.
It might sound sensationalist but I promise you it is a hell of a roller-coaster and it can easily destroy people and lives.
So, for now I’ll start to come off the antidepressants because apparently antidepressants and Bipolar don’t mix – they lift you from the depression but then can send you up into the mania, which is what the psychiatrist believes was what triggered it in me. It runs in families of course, my dad was Manic Depressive, and often requires trauma to trigger the effects fully (for me, a diagnosis of depression after Nina’s death etc. followed by antidepressants). As I look back on my life I constantly see things and think “Yeah, makes sense now!” about situations that have occurred over the years. I was lucky to have had an incredibly strong woman in my life for 20 years, if she were still here I probably wouldn’t know about any of this, without her I’d probably have had meltdown a lot sooner – we’ll never know – but this is now!
I have no idea what’s in store for me in the future, no one does I guess, and I’m kind of scared to make any real plans because recent history sort of dictates that something will go wrong if I enjoy myself too much – that’s how much karma appears to hate me. If I struggle to cope with myself so much how could I ask anyone else to do it, so that’s relationships ruled out effectively too (This is Demon #1 at work by the way – see what I mean?) – but I’ll carry on plugging away and I’ll beat Disconsolate Boy & Flipped Out Man (Demons #1 & #2) into submission one day!
Now…the soppy demon (just me really, the other two just egg him on at the wrong time…) would like to say that a few folk have been there for me at every step, and continue to be, and they have no idea how much I love them for that and they should know I would be at their sides in a heartbeat should they need me too! The general love and support I’ve had just blows me away too, thank you from the bottom of my heart – if anyone reads this and recognises anything in themselves, feel free to talk to me, if I can help, I will – or talk to a professional, there is no shame in mental illness and if anyone gives you stick about it, punch them in the throat and say “Sorry, just went manic there for a second…” Only joking, sarcasm is a better way to deal with cretins!
Kev's mutterings... 