Tag: friends

Don’t forget to take your meds…

On By Kev BrownIn Health and Wellness, LifeLeave a comment

So, I’m few months on now from coming off Citalopram and having a fight with Mindcare and the NHS trust about the time scales for getting new, correct medication. I had a conversation with an NHS manager who, to be fair, admitted that the reason for the delays in getting appointments, not just for me but in general, was down to problems booking rooms – in short, admin trumps clinical care. I was gobsmacked but having worked in the public sector for 15 years I was not at all surprised!

Anyway, I had my consultation brought forward and I was guided toward Quetiapine (I had wanted Lithium but sensed there was an agenda at work?), as this is apparently quite new, on these shores at least, and is well thought of because its side effects are minimal – except for the weight gain!

I started taking it, it made me very drowsy but I slept well for the first time in ages. The drowsiness got less and easier to manage, but I felt myself starting to feel completely flat and emotionless…numb and listless. I wasn’t happy, it isn’t living…it’s barely existing!

In between coming off Citalopram in March and starting Quetiapine in July I had a spell of being med free. I was scared at first, some old insecurities and feelings of self loathing tried to creep back, but because of the counselling I’ve had I had the tools to deal with that and actually coped really well.

So there I was, initially happy to have my new meds sorted but as they settled in my system the less human I began to feel…so I made the decision to come off those too! The decision was based on the fact that I have the belief and confidence that I can manage my life med free with the knowledge, understanding and experience I have gained along the way and also on the example of a friend and fellow warrior, Gemma, who made the decision to go “med free” some time ago and is an inspiration in the way she copes with and drives her own situation and brings up her daughter.

Now I’m not saying that everyone should go this way, just that it’s working for me so far, but if I have to swallow my pride and go back to medication, I will, simple! So think long and hard before you take the plunge, mental illness is hard to cope with at the best of times and we’re all very different, there is no “One size fits all” solution – make the most of everything available and make the most informed decision you can!

To finish I’d like to show a letter that my friend Gemma wrote to the local paper, to highlight her story as a bipolar warrior and explain her reasons for going med free. The paper dissected it and only used a few quotes (with a photo of a suitable celebrity sufferer), but it is a very concise and to the point story of how she arrived where she is today – an inspiration!

“Don’t Call Me Crazy”

I am a 24-year-old single mum who was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder about 21 months ago. Growing up I always knew something wasn’t right. I suffered greatly with depression and self harm throughout my teens. When my family found out, they booked me in for counselling and appointments with my GP. The doctor put it down to hormones and it wasn’t until I turned 16 that I was put on anti-depressants; the first of many horrific medications to come over the years. At 17 I took an overdose. I don’t remember thinking that I wanted to die, but I knew I didn’t want to live either. Thankfully I didn’t take enough to cause any lasting damage, and I couldn’t help but realise the irony of the situation; the tablets that were supposedly stopping me feeling suicidal, were the very same ones I used to take an attempt on my life. I went back to the doctor screaming out that there’s something else going on besides depression, only to be placed on yet another anti-depressant. I took seven different medications over the space of six years, all of which took my spark away. OK, so some of them did help with the depression, but they left me feeling numb, lethargic and dispirited. I had many ups and downs over the years as I sampled various medications, all the while managing to raise a perfectly healthy happy little girl on my own since the age of 19. It wasn’t until Christmas 2012 that I completely broke down. I have no idea what triggered it as everything was great at the time. I had just finished a Teaching Assistant qualification at college and was well on my way to completing my first year of a Foundation Degree in Disability Studies. It was then that my mum made the decision to pay for me to be privately referred to The Priory, and within twenty minutes of listening to me talk, the doctor straight away diagnosed me as having Bipolar Disorder Type 2. Now what I want to know is why did we have to pay one doctor over £200 to give me a diagnosis within minutes of meeting me that my own doctors hadn’t figured out despite knowing me my entire life? But at least I finally had an explanation that made sense. So now the medication would be different; a mood stabiliser to balance my ups and downs, and an added anti-depressant to boost me up. At first, these medications appeared to work better than any others I’ve tried, though it soon became apparent that I was about to be faced with my biggest side effect yet. I went from a tiny size 8 to a bulky size 12, literally within weeks, and put on over three stone. Despite my healthy eating and regular exercise, the weight just kept piling on. So of course, this lead to me feeling depressed. And that is why, for the first time since the age of 16, at 23, I made the decision to try and live my life med-free. So, against the doctor’s advice, I slowly weaned myself off them, and for the first time in my life, I experienced my first euphoric high. It’s impossible to explain the feeling; contrary to belief, it is so much more than simply feeling happy, as opposed to feeling sad. Over the years, there were many things that made me happy, the biggest one being raising my daughter. However, I had never felt happy within myself until now. My confidence soared as this new-found energy brought me inspirational ideas and determination to succeed in life. And that is when I realised, when it comes to Bipolar, and other mood disorders, the doctors’ priorities seem to lie in calming the mania by silencing our minds. Well I’m sorry but I can’t live like that. I need my highs to inspire me to conquer my dreams; they are the light when I am trapped in the tunnel of depression. I know saying goodbye to medication would have dire effects for some people living with this disorder; however, it was the right choice for me. I can’t stop the dark days entirely, and I don’t think I ever will. But for me, this isn’t something any amount of counselling or tablets can fix. Since being off medication has allowed me to think clearly for the first time, I am finally able to learn how to live with this disorder by recognising and avoiding my ‘triggers’. Though my life is far from perfect; I am finally happy, and able to accept myself just the way I am. Now all I need is for others to do the same, and that is why I’m sharing my story; in hopes that I will inspire my fellow bipolar warriors, to see that although there is no cure, it is possible to learn to live a perfectly normal happy life, and together we can eliminate the stigma once and for all. I’m not crazy, just a little different. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Gemma is a talented aspiring writer, poet and photographer who I keep trying to nudge to get set up on WordPress in order to showcase her work; I think it’s about time…

don’t you?

Captain Chaos takes heavy fire in the first skirmish but comes through with only bruised pride…

On By Kev BrownIn Health and Wellness, LifeLeave a comment

So it’s been just over a week since I started to come down from the antidepressants. To recap; I’m recently diagnosed with Type 2 Bipolar Disorder having been treated for depression for 3 years with Citalopram (an SSRI) which is contraindicated for Bipolar because SSRI’s exacerbate the manic side of Bipolar – it’s been a blast!

The antidepressants have generally had a good effect on me; increased confidence, less anxiety and irritability – some negative side effects which, well, don’t need to aired here (if you’ve taken the stuff you’ll know). However, there’s always been two things that didn’t seem quite right, the mood swings still happened and I’ve been completely devoid of emotion – total indifference to any given situation, and that’s NOT me!

Marillion Artwork
Hidden Jester

Imagine my surprise when, after a couple of nights sleep (I use the term lightly), which were more akin to the youthful experiments with LSD many moons ago, the waterworks started – at anything and everything “Oh that car’s a lovely blue….waaaaaaaaaaaaa!!” (Do men get hormonal??) Seriously? Get a grip man! The old insecurities started to creep in; “You’re irritating everyone“, “you’re in the way“, “you’re a pain in the arse“, “YOU’RE NOT WORTHY OF THESE WONDERFUL PEOPLE!” The old me – not the new, improved (not to mention mildly arrogant, smug, overconfident and totally lovable – stop it!!!) me that I’ve dug out from the depths of my soul (Yeah man!!) thanks to counselling, reading, listening and yes, Citalopram!

I had got myself into a rut by last evening and the trouble is that the version of you that THINKS you’re being a pain in the arse, that drives you to apologise for being a pain in the arse, IS a pain in the arse and HE does more damage than anything!

Thankfully I have some very unique people in my life who basically don’t let me get away with being an arse with such motivational phrases as “Shut up you Muppet!” and “Stop it Kev, you’re being a dick!” – no sarcasm intended, they make me take a step back, think, laugh at myself and snap out of it – priceless!

So between an old friend, Sandra, who’s come through her own ‘troubles’ (for want of a more appropriate word) with incredible strength and dignity and a new friend, Gemma, a fellow sufferer who’s been through hell and doesn’t give herself nearly enough credit for how inspirational her story is and how she’s dealt with everything that’s been thrown at her – they did just that, made me punch demon #1 (Disconsolate Boy) in the throat and knock him off my shoulder! Of course I had another great friend’s voice, Janine (who knows all about living with mental illness), in my mind at the time too, going as I mentioned earlier, “…you’re being a dick…!“

So today, I’ve slept, at least for a few hours, feel a little more refreshed with an increased resolve and back to, to a major degree, the proper me. The chemicals are still playing games but I guess they will do until they’re out of my system and I can start the next ones! Woohoo! 😉

Everyone is fighting their own personal battle so be kind. It takes no effort to smile at a passer by – admittedly they may think you’re a loony but so what, chances are you’ll make someone’s day!

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” Leo Buscaglia

Much love, take care folks!

Captain Chaos goes to war…

On By Kev BrownIn Health and Wellness, LifeLeave a comment

Today marks the beginning of the next chapter of my life.

I finally received the definitive diagnosis of Type 2 Bipolar Disorder a couple of weeks ago and can now, finally, focus on that! The problem has been, though, that although I now have the diagnosis I’m still not actually being treated for anything until the meds and therapy start! I’ve coped so far under my own guidance for the most part, I did learn a lot from counselling a couple of years ago, but this is very different – I’m very proud of that because I know the place I was at 12 months ago before the “eureka” moment, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone!

I’ve been lucky enough to have had a few days away with fantastic people and had a change of scenery and a good old laugh, better than any medication, but, as is the case with most things in my life the nagging depression “demon” is there at every second making you question every word you say. It goes;

“ooooh, shouldn’t have said that, they won’t take it right – better apologise!”
So you apologise and the person goes,
“Don’t be daft, you haven’t said anything wrong!”
You apologise for apologising,
“Stop it you Muppet, it’s ok, no problem!”
You apologise for being a Muppet,
“Oh for God’s sake, it’s ok, stop it…!”
And on and on……

By this time you hate yourself because that “demon” now has you thinking you’re the biggest irritant on the planet and that these fantastic people who show you so much love and support are just tolerating you – absurd nonsense and totally irrational of course – but that’s how powerful those “demons” are; it’s totally exhausting having a constant mental argument with yourself just to try to keep it together. I now understand why people choose to give in and end it all, because it can get incredibly painful – the fact that there’s no stick, plaster cast, visible scarring or any outward signs doesn’t mean there’s no pain! I’ve been at that crossroads, it’s a horrible place!

If there’s one thing I would want people to try to understand about depression (from my point of view of course) is that it isn’t about a person just feeling sorry for themselves and wanting attention, those people do exist of course, we all know them; it’s that it’s a constant debilitating battle with yourself to feel that you’re not worthless or that you’re not “in the way” or making up the numbers – depression is an illness, a chemical imbalance – NOT a character flaw!

Now, the other “demon”, the manic one! He’s a party animal! He’s the life and soul. He’s the one whose attitude to any situation is “Come on, let’s have it…” like a bull on steroids, fueled by pure adrenaline in a priceless china shop. This one will leave you penniless, homeless and friendless unless you get him by the throat and physically put him down – he’s dangerous. He’s trouble; he instigates the things you feel you need to (and more likely HAVE to) apologise for when he’s buggered off and usually too late. When he’s around you don’t sleep, your mind never stops racing with ridiculously grand ideas and schemes, you constantly replay scenarios and play out all the “what if I’d said/done this” scenes. You’re constantly wired and function (barely) with very little sleep – again it’s utterly exhausting.
It might sound sensationalist but I promise you it is a hell of a roller-coaster and it can easily destroy people and lives.

So, for now I’ll start to come off the antidepressants because apparently antidepressants and Bipolar don’t mix – they lift you from the depression but then can send you up into the mania, which is what the psychiatrist believes was what triggered it in me. It runs in families of course, my dad was Manic Depressive, and often requires trauma to trigger the effects fully (for me, a diagnosis of depression after Nina’s death etc. followed by antidepressants). As I look back on my life I constantly see things and think “Yeah, makes sense now!” about situations that have occurred over the years. I was lucky to have had an incredibly strong woman in my life for 20 years, if she were still here I probably wouldn’t know about any of this, without her I’d probably have had meltdown a lot sooner – we’ll never know – but this is now!

I have no idea what’s in store for me in the future, no one does I guess, and I’m kind of scared to make any real plans because recent history sort of dictates that something will go wrong if I enjoy myself too much – that’s how much karma appears to hate me. If I struggle to cope with myself so much how could I ask anyone else to do it, so that’s relationships ruled out effectively too (This is Demon #1 at work by the way – see what I mean?) – but I’ll carry on plugging away and I’ll beat Disconsolate Boy & Flipped Out Man (Demons #1 & #2) into submission one day!

Now…the soppy demon (just me really, the other two just egg him on at the wrong time…) would like to say that a few folk have been there for me at every step, and continue to be, and they have no idea how much I love them for that and they should know I would be at their sides in a heartbeat should they need me too! The general love and support I’ve had just blows me away too, thank you from the bottom of my heart – if anyone reads this and recognises anything in themselves, feel free to talk to me, if I can help, I will – or talk to a professional, there is no shame in mental illness and if anyone gives you stick about it, punch them in the throat and say “Sorry, just went manic there for a second…” Only joking, sarcasm is a better way to deal with cretins!

Onwards & Upwards, it’s been a long road but, dare I say it, I think I may just be able to see where it levels out and gets a bit easier – I hope so!

A votre santé, Sláinte, Zum Wohl, Kampai, Apki Lambi Umar Ke Liye, Salud, Djam
To your health – Cheers!!!

Living in the spotlight…………….

On By Kev BrownIn LifeLeave a comment

As this year draws to a close it’s doing its best to stick the boot in before it goes – no, not me again, before you say it!

We said goodbye to Billy Billington last week, too young at 54, but a top guy who will be sorely missed!  My heart goes out to Vikki and her family, to lose a close family member is tough at any time, but on Christmas morning……..say no more!  A close mate got a good kicking in a pub (the details are still a bit hazy but now we know he butts and bites!!). I know plenty of people who’ve been and are about to go through anniversaries of recent tragedies, all tough to deal with at the best of times …………again, say no more!  They say there are only two certain things in life – death and taxes – I work in one field and one of my best friends deals with the other – small world!

Anyway, under the circumstances I’ve done OK. It’s been a strange journey, one that lots of people have taken, so I’ve had no end of experience to call on to help me deal with my own circumstances – that’s what friends are for!  They are there for you unconditionally – and that is the key word!  They’ll give you an ear to bend or a shoulder to cry on but will equally tell you when you’re, to put it bluntly, being an arse!  What they don’t do is constantly make you feel like you owe them a debt of gratitude!  You might feel that way towards them for their past kindness, that’s fine, but they won’t deliberately make you feel that way! 

I’ve learned a lot this last few months, mainly due to counselling it has to be said, about myself and how I perceive other people and in some cases it has really shocked me! I’m no different to anyone else in most areas.  I’m lucky enough to have a job, I enjoy a pint (or three), love spending time with friends old and new down the local and quiet time with that special someone! When I go out, I fully intend to have a laugh and enjoy myself, to have the craic to coin a phrase – just like everyone else!  I’m getting on with my life the best way I can after a horrible few years! Apparently, by that token, it means that I think being in the spotlight is the be all and end all of existence!  The irony of that statement and the person it came from is blinding!  I was in so many peoples shadows when I was a kid because I was quiet, shy, awkward, useless with women, ginger, lazy eye (not a vast amount in my favour and I hated myself!) and was always the one that got told “but you’re like a big brother to me Kev…….it would be weird” by the girls (although that’s not all bad because I still have close friends because of that too) but some people took advantage of that and pulled stunts on me more than once and made me look ridiculous – but hey, we were kids, and chances are I’d have done the same so no real harm, no foul, it’s history!  I lost my dad when I was 23 and that started to change me, “Nothing can hurt like this, so why have I put up with all this rubbish……..?” I thought! Unfortunately I’ve found out the hard way that things can and do hurt more, as we all know I’m sure!

So, anyone who I see on a regular basis now who didn’t know me then will probably read how I described my younger self and think “Sod off!” – well except for the ginger and useless with women bits!! But, I have changed – I like myself – and that’s a really liberating feeling for someone like me and if I do appear to be in the spotlight it’ll be for the right reasons (unless I’ve been drinking that yellow stuff again – cheers Karen!) and so what, maybe this is MY 15 minutes of fame, I have nothing to apologise for!

We all make mistakes, it’s natural!  Some can cause trouble, some are an inconvenience, some are just downright insignificant – but mistakes nonetheless, and can be forgiven in most cases, in time in other cases!  But we don’t all make calculated attempts to undermine peoples relationships – phrases like “I was just looking out for you!” or “I didn’t mean to be like that, I was drunk!” just don’t wash! Being obnoxious for the sake of it and giving yourself licence by saying “don’t be offended by it, it’s just how I am!” doesn’t wash either, there’s no need, again it’s calculated, don’t pretend it isn’t!

I’ve worked hard to get myself sorted and back in the right direction and NO ONE is going to undermine that with petty mind games and downright childish nastiness – NO ONE! I know who my friends are and I love them all for all I’m worth!!

So, I wish everyone a very happy and prosperous New Year and that it brings you everything you wish for!  Eat, drink, be merry yadda yadda – I know I will……………….now where’s that bloody spotlight?