Not muttered for a while but here goes…………

A lot can happen in the space of a year, from my perspective, as you all know, it can be devastating! But I’m just one person, the things that have happened to so many of my friends, colleagues and family don’t bear thinking about!

But still, everyone manages to soldier on, more often than not with a smile and a good word and it blows me away and at the same time makes me ashamed of myself too, because you can get to a point where you think you’re the only one suffering and I’ve been guilty of that many times!  Yes, last year was terrible! Twelve months ago I was vowing to do this and that, and trying to be as positive as I could, and I meant it!

This year Nina’s mum passed away, my family had to go through an inquest into my brothers death (not initiated by us I might add, but it’s amazing where some people can see a £ sign! – luckily and correctly, no one made any money from his death!) and I’ve had a cancer scare – I’m lucky, all clear, but I have so much respect, sympathy and empathy for those who are affected by it and fight it every day! I’ve had a few other ‘troubles’ too, but no worse than the day to day things that everyone copes with! I’m not looking for sympathy, many people have had it much worse and they have my full respect and support!

The upshot is that everything hit me like a ton of bricks and I’m now being treated for depression – the amazing thing to me is that virtually everyone I’ve spoken to about it says things like “Yeah, been there, which pills you on?” or “Me too, it happened when………..” and I was amazed by how many people have been there, taken it in their stride and got on with life the best way they know how – amazing! It’s easy to let your head get so far up your own backside that you can’t see the bigger picture!  I’ve done this before and used up all the cliché’s and I’m the kind of person that always believed that I didn’t do stress or get depressed about anything – how wrong was I?  Leave the brave face at home and just be myself!

I’ve been called a “fruit loop” today because I apologised for something I perceived to be out of order, and it made me laugh, made me realise that I’m taking myself far too seriously and it seriously humbled me – she’s been through virtually the same as me and takes everything in her stride – as do all her family – but Jennie and big sister Mel (who, without going in to detail, has shown so much strength of character this last year you wouldn’t believe, and has babysat me on several occasions too – I pay her in vodka – sorry Mel! lol!), well lets say I should be learning from them – two amazing young ladies who I’ll owe a debt of gratitude to as long as I live – love you girls!

There’s been a few high spots – Newcastle, never going the Grainger again or the most expensive curry house in the world but a good day out non the less; Manchester, what a blast – the Chinese Buffet was so very impressed by the 76p tip we left! Cross Bay Walk, again, always an experience and I’d recommend it to anyone – fancy dress next year!! Easter, Tony’s memorial day, a blur, but I’m assured that it was a good one!!

Well, to paraphrase a well known Monty Python line – Depression “I fart in your general direction…..” – I don’t mean to make light of an illness, and no offence intended to anyone who suffers badly from it but seriously, I think about all my great friends and family that make me laugh every time I see them, you know who you are, and the new ones that I’m just getting to know who do the same and I think how have I come to this – laughing so much in their company yet so miserable at home?  Well, no more – call me Fruit Loop by all means when you see me, I won’t be offended, it’ll keep my head from slipping up my arse again – although I think a few of you will have other names for me!!

Take care everyone, I look forward to raising a glass and having a giggle with you all!

Cheers!!

As this year rolls towards it’s end I can only think of one thing to say.  You may think that it might be a popular phrase ending in “… off 2010!” But no, even though every fibre of my being thinks that, all I really want to say is

THANK YOU!

Thank you to everyone who’s listened, given me a shoulder, encouraged me, given me a hug, let me rant, let me cry, made me laugh, told me to shut up, told me I’m being an arse – basically everything great mates should do!  Thank you for just being there!

People tell me I’ve been really strong, but I see it a little differently.  I wouldn’t have got this far, in one piece mentally or emotionally without the incredible support I’ve had from so many people – that’s where the strength lies!  Without that support you have no outlet for anything and to bottle the emotions of this year would have been, well, I dread to think!  But I didn’t have to, so how lucky am I?  I can only be happy!

So, to my whole family, Uncle Punk & Aunty T, Gaz, Dave, Geordie Lee & Karen, Mel & Jennie, Tony (R.I.P.), Midge & Gill, Ste Fish, Big Gaz & Jill, Carol & Billy, Ged, Michelle, Paul & Annie, Frog, Dylan & Tracy, Pete M, Andrea, Janine & John, Nicola W, Debs, Erica, Fiona, Daz, Bez & Mick, The Town Hall Girlies (Caroline, Karen & Lesley), St Johns Hospice, my team colleagues at work (we spend a big chunk of time there and I couldn’t wish to work with a better group of people!), all that took part in the Cross Bay Walk, the list goes on and on and I know I haven’t named everyone I could do, but if I tried it would mid January before I finished it!  So if I haven’t named you and you think I should have  – slap me, then we’ll have a beer or three and talk about it – these blogs are easily edited!

Have a great night tonight one and all!  See in 2011 as you see fit and I hope the new year brings you all everything you wish for and so richly deserve!

From the bottom of my heart – THANK YOU!

Where do I start?  ‘My Journey’?  As everyone who knows me already knows, I’ve had three crushing blows this year; Nina, Tony and my brother Alan, all taken far too soon!

     

It’s been damned hard to muster the strength to even get out of bed at times, I don’t mind admitting it and I’m sure no one will question me for having  felt that way.  Of course I’ve felt sorry for myself, felt incredibly lonely and screamed “Why me!” and, of course, just cried uncontrollably!  I’d tell anyone in the same situation to do the same because you can’t bottle raw emotion like that – it will rip you apart!

So many people have been hit hard by so many things, it’s been the worst year I can remember bar none, and it’s still sticking the boot in as it comes to a close! 

Despite it all, I’m happy! Because as I’ve said before, you have to realise that you’re not the first (even though it feels that way), and you have to let people in because no matter what, everybody’s little differences and traits are the things that will get you through – and without friends it’s a slippery slope!  When I say friends I mean, genuinely, friends, family and colleagues because they all seem to merge in to the same thing in the end – I’m incredibly lucky in that I’ve found I can be “me” in the company of all three and I’m very, very honoured  and humbled to have such superb people in my life – I mean it when I say I couldn’t have got this far without them all!  I can’t help but be happy and optimistic!  Onwards and upwards!

On the good side: 

• The Cross bay Walk.  The weather was atrocious, mud, quicksand and fast flowing rivers – I was threatened with physical violence for having people out in that weather – but it was an experience and a great day and we raised about £1800 for St Johns Hospice
• .         
• The young lass that, out of the blue, decided I needed a hug – still brings a tear to my eye and a smile to my face!
• Nic’s incredibly red blush and grin – fantastic, enduring image, always makes me smile!
• Mel, coming to Alan’s funeral, just to be there for me, thanks so much hun, it meant the world! A real heart warmer at a very dark time!
• The always colourful nights out with Uncle Punk and Aunty T, Dave, Gaz, Geordie Lee, Midge and the rest – you can’t beat a good blast!
•                 

These might not seem like much to some, but they are things which made me smile, warmed my heart or, in the case of the last one, gave me a stinking hangover were a riot from start to finish!  There are far more stories to tell and people to thank, but I’ll do that in person!

The one to top the lot though is being asked by Nina’s niece, Melanie, to be godfather to her little girl, Olivia Rose! I haven’t felt so proud since the day Nina said “Yes!”  I’m not a parent, so I can’t know how that feels but what I can say is that while I have a breath in my body Olivia will be safe and sound!  And I know that even though ‘Great Aunty Nina’ never got to meet Olivia properly she will be watching over her and guiding her too, as she will with Mel and Jennie, the nieces she was so incredibly proud of!

As I said on that popular social media site:

“Mel, you made my year – THANK YOU! xxx”

 

So, what have I learned this year?  Well, one thing stands out like a beacon – my friends (see description above) are truly magnificent people!  I’m doing ok now, but Christmas and January will be very tough – lots of heart breaking memories and the first anniversary of Nina’s passing on the 17th of January.  But I know that if I need someone to lean on there’ll be no end of people that will be there for me!  And that is the feeling, knowledge and belief that has got me through the darkest times this year has thrown at me!  I’ve also learned a lot about myself, not all good I might add – but – I can do something about that can’t I?

Anyway, enough!  Lots of things to look forward to next year and a bit of added responsibility too!  But before that I will be seeing 2010 out with a bang and kicking it’s backside well and truly into touch!  Life can be a bitch – but so what?  You may as well enjoy the time you have or there really is no point!  As Mr Edmundson would have said “COME ON!!!!”

Best wishes for Christmas and the New Year one and all – lets all have a blast!!

So our trip to Newcastle was a good one on the whole; Decent, cheap hotel, good bars, a damn good laugh, the right result (from my point of view anyway) and  a bloody good night all round!  That was until a light fingered scumbag helped himself to my wallet!

The Grainger Hotel,  £60 for a “family” room (4 single beds) & breakfast.  Clean, obviously recently refurbished, all new bathroom fittings, full tea and coffee making facilities and a flat screen telly.  No surprises and I wouldn’t hesitate to stay there again (next season lads??), in fact I’d recommend it for cheap digs any time!

After a short, downhill walk you’re pretty much in the centre of town, two minutes from the footy ground, bars and takeaways everywhere.  After a couple in The Bodega, where we’d thought it was a bit more expensive than home, we moved on to the next one, Tilly’s Bar, I got them in and the barmaid charged me £12.17, I got up off the floor and paid, grumbled a bit and thought “ok, £4 a pint, won’t be here long!”  About 10 minutes later, the girl who’d served me came up and gave me £3 odd and said “I’m so sorry, I overcharged you!”  Again, I picked myself up and thanked her!  I can’t ever remember that happening – anywhere!

Then, it was time to go to the game.  I’d never been to St James’ Park before and it was only round the corner from the bar we were in so thought we had plenty of time.  Well, we had, in theory, it was the amount of stairs up to where the away fans were that slowed us down – you will get vertigo in that ground!  The stewards had a good laugh at me and Gaz as we got to the top level – we were in a state.  We missed the first goal, and the second too just after half time (still at the bar) but saw the winner – a great result!  To be fair it is a very impressive football ground and well worth a visit.

Post game it was back to Tilly’s bar for a few shandies and a couple of “medicinal” whiskies to warm us up again.  We were pointed to a bar not too far away that was open a bit later, a student bar apparently!  It had a funny smell – call me a snob, but I tend to mistrust things that smell funny!  I think it was called The Head of Steam, but I may be wrong?  Anyway, beer was warm but it was a little cheaper.  The bar staff were a little odd.  One was the gingerest man you’ve ever seen with a big, thick beard!  I’m ginger and I do get defensive when people start ginger bashing, but come on man – there is no need for beards like that – I can’t defend that!  Another one tried to tell us that he’d turned up the music and explained that “it seemed quiet to us because the speakers were on the wall and to get the full effect we had to stand nearer to the wall” – we’re drunk, not stupid!  The other one just got fed up of Lee calling her “oi, you!” and asking daft questions about the ginger mans beard!

After this we went in search of food.  We were in Bigg Market, walked into the foyer of one restaurant, baulked at the prices and turned to walk out.  In the doorway, this guy walked in to me, apologised and started to ask about the game!  He had one hand on my right arm and was talking right in my face, I didn’t realise what his other hand was doing  until a minute later when I thought “that was odd?”, felt my pocket and realised my wallet had gone!  He was with another lad by this time, I shouted, he ran and Gaz followed him but he disappeared.  By now, this other lad and two girls had joined in, shouting and screaming as if we were attacking them, causing confusion all round, and we ended up not knowing how many were involved!  Another guy who was standing by a kebab shop walked over, full of concern, offering to look for the thief!  When the police turned up this guy turned out to be related to the whole lot of them, their cousin!  Must have been a family outing!  They knew exactly what they were doing, especially to do it in a street as heavily monitored  by CCTV as that one!  I gave details to the police, who were great, to be fair – so that’s it, take it on the chin!

The police recommended a curry house, Simla, and said “tell them we sent you”.  We eventually found it, walked in – there was no one in, the bar was closed and one guy was hoovering –“no, no, we’re closed!” to which we said “but the police sent us!” – their faces visibly dropped with resignation and they very graciously served us – and it was bloody good!  The short taxi ride back to the Grainger cost about £7 which got a shout of “How much? You should be wearing a ******* mask!” from Lee (I think the taxi driver only took it because it came from a Geordie?)  It had been an eventful evening, one way or another, but mainly a good laugh!

They only got away with about £20 in my wallet, my debit card (which has been stopped, luckily with no damage to my account), the rest is easily replaceable – it’s the inconvenience that is the most irritating thing!  I’m embarrassed that I didn’t realise what the guy was up to but, in the cold light of day, it could have ended up a lot worse, given how many there turned out being involved!  We’re still in one piece, the wallet and cards can be replaced!

After the events of this year, I can’t let myself get too upset by this, it just isn’t on the same scale.  My faith in human nature has been restored this year by so many people and this hasn’t changed that but it just shows that you can’t be too careful and reminds you that there are scumbags everywhere who fully believe that you are just “fair game” so be on your guard!

The good things in my life are far outweighing the bad stuff now and things are very much looking up!  I’ll be nailing my wallet to my hip in future though!

Take care everyone – all the best!

I work in the Public Sector.  I work in a branch of the Public Sector that, frankly, if you tell people where you work, nine times out of ten, you’ll get slaughtered for it – because, no matter what, the perception is that you will have wronged somebody at some point.  You get used to it after a few years and the job becomes “oh, I just work in an office………”, sad but true! The spending review was announced last week and I’m now one of the 490,000 that are waiting to see what the future holds.  We were told immediately “we’ll tell you more in January!” and I’m sure they meant to add “Merry Xmas!” to that, but we’ll let them off eh?  I know I’m not alone in this situation, and that as things stand, I’m lucky to be employed – so I genuinely feel for everyone that has a lot more to worry about than me – kids, mortgages etc. – I really do, I only have myself to look after!  We’re all sharing the pain, it just must be easier to say that when you’re a millionaire!

You see stories in the press and on TV about some of the lazy [insert expletive of choice here] that have the nerve to sit there and moan that the £30,000 odd per year of benefits they get isn’t enough, yet won’t do anything to help themselves (except to tax payers cash) and fully expect the state to foot the bill for the lifestyle to which they’ve become accustomed. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not tarring all unemployed folk with the same brush, I know that would be completely wrong, it just makes me mad to hear about the ones who can accurately be called scroungers!

“England is mine, it owes me a living, ask me why and I’ll spit in your eye!” The Smiths – Still ill

Some of them wouldn’t go to the end of the street to work, why should the country keep them?  To make a point, a colleague (and friend) left us this week, having secured a new job closer to home.  Without going into detail she’s a single Mum and has been commuting from Shropshire to Preston for almost a year whilst doing her best to find that job closer to home, so you can understand why the layabouts make me mad!  Anyway, all credit to Nicola and best wishes and good luck for the future hun! <hugs> Next time I’m down your way I’m coming round for a brew! What’s that? What do you mean you’re moving……………………? 😉 To reinforce my point Mr Bramley has proved twice this year that work is there to be had if you’re willing to get out there and not wait for it to come to you – all credit Tom!  It’s all proof that putting in the effort does pay off!

I’ve only ever been out of work a total of 12 months since I left school, and I’m pushing, errm, <coughs, looks at ceiling> 35 now (ok 35 and 120 months!) but I’ve always been lucky and managed to find something – might not be so lucky next time though, we’ll have to wait and see I guess!  I’d had 3 redundancies by the time I was 26 so it won’t be a new experience if it does happen, I’ll be in a very crowded boat.

Wayne Rooney.  OK, it’s obscene what Premier League footballers get paid (I won’t say earn!) but I don’t blame him for milking it, all he’s doing is being a selfish, greedy little [again, expletive here] and making the most of it.  To the people that say he’s worth it though, get a grip!  If he turns up at training one Monday and says “eeerrm boss, I think I’ve found a cure for Cancer/Parkinson’s/AIDS/Huntington’s/MS” etc. then yes, that would go a long way towards being worth it, but he’s a footballer, and without that, well…… that’s anybody’s guess?  And yes I can see how utterly unlikely that scenario is, unless Donkey gives him a hand of course?

Anyone been watching X-Factor?  I haven’t.  No disrespect to the people that enjoy it, I do understand it’s place in the “entertainment” sphere, I just despise the way shows like that dictate what people should be liking and the way that they very cleverly relieve people of their hard earned cash (phone votes, immediate downloads) all straight in to Mr HighPants back sack!  Most of my favourite bands / musicians have faces only a mother could love so they’d be buggered if they had to go through X-Factor to make their names – regardless of their musicianship or song writing skills, and I couldn’t imagine a bigger insult than being told you’re rubbish by that panel, unless it was by Dizee Rascal on that other show?  Ahh well, if you like it then who am I to complain, whatever puts the smile on your face is fine by me! Truly!

Anyway, weekends here again – enjoy Halloween and don’t forget to turn the clocks back, or more likely, forget and realise that all your clocks are wrong about 6pm on Sunday!

Cheers everyone!

So, as the events of this year have seriously scared the bejesus out of me I have decided to get fit and lose the, errmm, <coughs sheepishly> love handles!  Yeah, ok, ok, handles with the rest of the furniture attached, I know!  The first goal being to dump the 4XL shirts and wear the decent gear I have waiting patiently in my wardrobe, the second goal is doing the Wainright Coast to Coast walk next September and the third, and most important goal, is simply to give myself the best possible chance of a future.  Other little things come into it like using a profile pic on Facebook that isn’t 20 years old, before I became a civil servant and vegetated or pics of a long deceased, but dearly loved pet!  Vanity, I can’t even start thinning on top in a regular way, it has to be in an odd shape that………..I digress – health!

I cook.  I do a reasonable job of it.  Anyone that knows me, I’m sure never thinks “I wonder if he eats enough?” – not a chance.  But to change a diet that you’re used to is quite challenging.  I’ve always been a salt fiend, got it from my Dad I think, but not a great idea when your family history is littered with hypertension.  Ok, so I cut my salt intake drastically and spent a week sweating like a pig and peeing almost uncontrollably – the excess fluid, retained from too much salt, escaping I’m led to believe!  It was uncomfortable but the net result is I feel better for it – one little victory!  Next problem, everything seemed totally bland without salt (or I should say it didn’t taste of salt any more) so what do you do to compensate?  I’ve been told to use, amongst a raft of other things, Garlic, Chilli, Olives, Anchovies (ahem, hello? instead of salt?? Have you ever tasted these??) and Capers – what the hell is a Caper? – I thought it was something Enid Blightons’ teenagers got into? They look like bits of houseplants pickled in vinegar, and perhaps unsurprisingly, taste like it too!  The only difference I’ve noticed from eating capers is an increase in windypops!  But, as my taste buds recover and start to taste things as they should be I’m using less and less seasonings anyway, which can’t be a bad thing?  Everything in moderation.  To be fair, eating hasn’t really been the problem (bar the salt thing), I don’t snack between meals with chocolate and crisps etc and I really do just have breakfast, lunch and tea (although I’m sure certain people won’t believe that, one practice nurse in particular), no, my problem is not doing enough exercise – I’m lazy!

So, with that in mind, I’ve bought a piece of gym equipment, a cross trainer to be exact – nearly wiped me out building the thing, I’m that out of shape!  I’ve done a few sessions on it and first time out I thought someone had set fire to my lungs, lasted seven minutes!  Second time out, lasted slightly longer, but my thighs refused to work for quite a while after. It’s getting easier though and, once the stiffness and soreness has worn off, I’m sure I’ll feel the benefits of a good cardio workout – I do already to be fair!  I’m on the march!

Alcohol?  Well, I don’t drink in the house, as a rule, and I’m not out every weekend.  Apparently though, because I chose to drink this way, when I do go out, I’m classed as a binge drinker, although to be fair, when myself and Mr Parker get on the Stella, it could be misconstrued as binge drinking, especially with Desperado now lurking with intent in the cooler of the local!

Tonight’s a night in and an exception to the rule, a bottle of Sangre de Toro, a lovely full bodied Spanish red and maybe a glass (or two) of Laphroaig (my very favourite Scotch) as a nightcap – what the hell, I’ve earned it!

I raise a glass – “To your health everyone! CHEERS!”

So, has this year got it in for everybody or what?  I’ve had my share of emotional battering this year – no secret there, but so many other people have been hit hard by losses and near losses and downright tragedies, I’ve never known a period of time to rival this last eight months – lets hope the next four months slip by with no more shocks and I’m sure I won’t be the only one kicking 2010 in to touch on 31st December in a very big way!

It was a good turn out on Thursday to see our Alan off, lots of faces from the past and present, family and friends – he would have been chuffed to have seen and caught up with them all.  For me, I was proud and honoured to be a pall bearer and to help carry him on the start of his last journey – rest in peace big brother!

My family have all been big role models for me – Mum, Dad, Ronnie, Alan and Anne – I’m not sure they know it but I like to think I’ve learned things from all of them and have elements of each of them in my own character.  Dad died in 1989, now Alan and my Mum is suffering, no one should have to bury their own child, regardless of age – and that is one of those tragedies I mentioned earlier that has happened to too many people this year.  The character has had a severe testing this year and, although battered and bruised, is still holding up – Just, thankfully!

Still, it’s not all doom and gloom, there has to be a silver lining.  Last Sunday, after getting back from the Memorial Cricket Match for Tony Edmundson a few of us met for a few beers in the local.  A friend was there with his partner and her kids, a lad and a girl, and later in the evening the girl (to my shame I’ve forgotten her name) apparently said to her Mum of me “he’s a nice guy but he looks like he needs a hug” to which Mum asked me if it was ok for her to give me a hug, I said yes and she gave me a great big hug!  It brought a tear to my eye because it was the nicest thing that has happened to me this year and it lifted my heart so much and it’s impossible to say what it meant to me!  It’s still making me smile a week on and I’m sure it will for a very long time!  It was the first time we’d met so I reckon she has a gift and a calling in life – she’s an absolutely wonderful young lady!

Similarly, a lovely lady at work had a slip of the tongue when asking for my stats, easily done but the grin and incredible shade of red she went as she blushed with embarrassment (you could feel the heat!) was priceless – it made me smile from ear to ear and on the inside too (if that makes sense?) and again, lifted my heart  – cheers Nic!  Not a lot has made me feel that way this year but it shows that there is a silver lining for me and that the character is recovering from the battering it has had. Also it shows me that I’m surrounded by wonderful people wherever I happen to be.  Priceless!

So, onwards and upwards, as I keep saying to myself, take one step at a time and we’ll get there!  Never underestimate the power of a hug or a smile to lift the heart, so simple but not practised nearly enough!

Good luck and best wishes to one and all for the rest of this year – I hope it goes well and without complications – I’m fed up of talking about sadness and grief!

Bring on that silver lining………………………………..